December 27, 2012

Lost in Translation

Words are very important. They convey meaning, feeling, opinion, and importance sometimes all at the same time. Things get very complicated, however, when what you mean is something totally different from what another person hears, perhaps because they or you are distracted, tired, or pretty much anything else. The point? Having relationships is hard, especially when you are an relationship-driven person such as myself. I am also sometimes impulsive, and do not always think before I speak. Thus sometimes things I say are taken out of context, or taken in context because they came out wrong, and then they hurt people. And goodness, I don't like hurting people. Relationships are so messy. And not even romantic relationships; I don't think I could deal with one of those right now.

Compared to the stress of knowing if you'll ever be 'okay' with someone again, apologizing and asking for forgiveness is easy, at least when you're me. Things I mean get mixed up in tone and impatience all the time, and it's just so hard. So for the rest of my break, I think I'll just sit in my room alone and contemplate if this situation will ever fix itself. I don't want to hurt people. I don't set out to hurt people. But I do, and I'm beginning to wonder if I should even bother dealing with more people than I have to. Or maybe we should just never discuss things electronically again. Ever. Because from all the confusion people have from talking face to face, it only gets worse when you lose tone and body language and emphasis. You can't type in italics and bold print on a cell phone.
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly. Proverbs 15:2
That makes me wonder if I should just keep my mouth shut and pray for some more wisdom.

December 21, 2012


Well, I am currently sitting on my bed in pajamas staring at my homework at around 1pm. I need to shower, but I'm not bothering until four, because I don't have to go out in public until then. Instead of making myself presentable, I am procrastinating and posting on my blog. Isn't that great?

I am now going to discuss several things which I have viewed on my facebook feed that have truly annoyed me.

Post one, by a late-twenties early-thirties lady who I used to go to church with:
"So glad I can speak my mind. I hate seeing posts and comments that ppl have made about God that are not the KJV. I truely believe that they need to find a better bible. Throw these new international bibles away and stick to reading the KJV. Afterall, I mean it is the true words of God."
My reaction: *beats head against wall* Okaygo. KJV stands for King James Version. That implies that this version of the bible was translated by a King. And it was translated... by a king called King James. King James had a lot of political influence. King James wanted his subjects to behave in a particular way, as any other king would. But King James was crafty! He decided that instead of only using intimidation, he would use religion.  So he translated the Vulgate Latin Bible into the vernacular, or most commonly spoken language. Let me break that down for you. A king translated that precious version of the bible you hold. A man. Who can make mistakes. And 'typo' some things. If you want to be accurate, then please learn to speak Hebrew and Greek so that you can read the Old and New Testaments like they were supposed to be read. Also, big truth time.... Jesus didn't speak English. When Jesus lived, English was still in its infancy. Hebrew is old. English is an infant compared to it. So stop fussing about how your bible is more right than mine because it's all based on interpretation! Golly gee. That being said, I'm done, because that is just about how far my knowledge extends. I don't want to lie to you. Correct me if I'm wrong. With facts.  <3

I might add to this later. Homework and hunger call.

September 6, 2012

The Popularized War on Women is Illegitimate

      This post deals with issues like rape, sex, abortion, and the overall social constucts that are placed upon young women today. I would know, because I'm a young woman.. today :)I've thought about writing about this for a while, but I've put it off and then put it off some more. Several months ago I think I published perhaps two sentences on this issue, but today I'm annoyed, so I'm going to publish more. Quick warning- this blog post contains the word sex. It also contains my opinions about women's reproductive rights and abortion. If you can't deal with that, I suggest you check out one of my other happier blog posts where I don't discuss things I firmly believe in. Word to the wise again, just to reiterate.  Read the first sentence again for me.
      I will be replying, in part, to an article that I will link in the bottom. It is entitled, "'Trampire:' Why the Public Slut Shaming of Kristen Stewart Matters for Young Women." Apparently KStewart got herself into a pickle with her boss, and ruined her relationship, and got herself fired. Addressing the main idea of the article, I agree. I think that this type of mass media attention on a young woman's mistakes is ridiculous. That in no way paints being a woman in a positive light.
      Now, on to my main point. This article discusses the "War on Women." So Republicans are usually pro-life. I am 100% pro-life, no death penalty, God makes it the way it's supposed to happen pro-life. But then these politicians make absolutely preposterous claims about me and my reproductive health and it makes me mad.
      Todd Akin. A man who said "legitimate" rape hardly results in pregnancy... you know what causes pregnancy? Google it! Pregnancy does not depend on the enjoyment of sex. Come on now, we don't live in the seventeenth century anymore! I liked the sarcasm in a The Onion article about how a woman was thankful because her rapist was no longer "legitimate" because she got pregnant. I think we can all agree that he made a very stupid remark and probably just threw his whole political career in the meat grinder. I mean, even Paul Ryan thinks he should resign! (I like Paul Ryan, for the record.)
      So then I get to reading articles about how he refuses to resign, and then this Gawker article pops up on my facebook feed about Trampire shirts and how Kristen Stewart is being shamed just like young women everywhere are being shamed by ill-worded (or twisted around) phrases that came from popular Republican politicians. And at first.. I agreed, because of the illegitimate rape comment. That's preposterous.
      But then I started to click on the other links in the article, which include a Paul Ryan misquote or misinterpretation saying that "rape is just another form of conception," and what they call a misguided quote from Mike Huckabee saying that "wonderful people come from rape."
      What makes me so mad is the fact that both of these statements were taken out of context. It's ridiculous to even guess that Paul Ryan thinks that rape is an acceptable form of family planning. It's stupid! He doesn't think that! But his point was that no matter how the sex happens, sometimes the sex makes a baby. And you know what? I agree. No matter how the sex happens, conception can occur. Paul Ryan just smashed Akin's backwards backwoods sex philosophy in the ground. (Burn.)
      Then on to what I truly feel passionate about... Wonderful people can come from rape. Wonderful people can come from premarital sex. Wonderful people can come from extramarital sex, and wonderful people can come from marital sex! Wonderful people come from IVF and single parent families and sperm banks. That's just how it works. And I'm sure that to the newly pregnant teenager, Huckabee's words don't seem too encouraging. But to me they are! It means that your baby does not have to grow up as an accident. It means that your child does not have to grow up as a mistake. You are your child's only hope, and by aborting you shatter that hope. You shatter the future of that baby you carry! And if you were raped and are now pregnant, yes, you have suffered a horrible thing, but that doesn't give you an excuse to ruin someone else's life to make yours easier! It doesn't justify you ending someone else's life to make yours easier.
      Children produced by rape are not in any way "fair" to the victim. Children produced by rape weren't meant to be there in the first place. Certainly rape is a terrible thing. But you know what else is terrible? The fact that when a teenager is scared to tell her parents that she's pregnant the first option that's shoved in her face is usually abortion! That's terrible. It's horrifying. Giving an emotional teenager control over a complete innocent's life is horrifying. When a boyfriend's first reaction to his college student girlfriend's pregnancy is, "Well, go take care of it," there is a problem.
      We cannot continue to penalize young women for the mistakes that they have made.  Whether that mistake is as life-changing as cheating with a man and conceiving his baby, or as innocent as walking down a street alone at night and having a life changed forever, we cannot continue to hold blame over our young ladies' heads as they grow into better people. It is not fair to society to continue this way. The war on women has never been straight from the politician's mouth. It's straight from the mouth of society! And as long as we continue to hold titles like whore and slut over the heads of our reformed young women, they will never be able to move out from under it. So do me a favor, and think very carefully before you speak. Think very carefully before you act. Think especially carefully before you end a life that will not remind you of your past experiences. Just think, and the world might end up being better.

The article to which I respond-

September 3, 2012

Is Forever Impossible?

      Marriage. Such a fantastic idea. Each girl dreams about her wedding day and what a pretty dress she'll wear and all that crap. Yeah. But where do marriages usually end up these days? In the toilet! Currently, I am losing faith in the institution of marriage. And that's a big deal coming from me.
      I had a just-fine day crammed with homework, essays, and other crap I didn't want to do but I did it anyway. Then five o'clock comes around. My mother is supposed to be home. After a fifteen-minute held over staff meeting at her daycare job, she gets home and my father starts yelling at her about how she's been with other people and not at work. My mom is fifty six. Not saying that fifty six year olds can't be promiscuous.. but really? It's ridiculous.
      This wasn't the first time this has happened, of course. Whenever she gets caught in traffic or gets held over at work or even goes shopping without me, my father is kind enough to accuse her of cheating on him.
      But finally! Something unique about this situation! My darling mother then thinks it's kind to warn me that I shouldn't bother with men because "they're all the same."

      Yeah, I'm having a great day. Right when I first start to relax and enjoy my day off of no school, I get told by my mom who is always so patient and understanding that marriage is basically pointless.
      I have a feeling that when I actually fall in love this is going to cause me a crapload of emotional issues because I can't trust anybody. Or that I'll always be scared that our marriage will fail. Or that he'll run off and leave me because I'm not good enough. God knows I've heard that enough, I mean, really.
      I am supposed to be a strong, organized, independent daughter but sometimes I feel like I want to be none of those things. Right now I feel like I want to be none of those things. I mean really, how horrifying would it be to fall in love with the person who is right for you then to run them off because you want to control the situation? Or get scared and pull back from them because you're just not sure that it'll work?
      So right now, in the middle of this long rant at sixteen years of age, I take a step back from my parents' failed marriage even though they still tolerate each other and look at my second set of parents. They have always been there for me. I know they disagree, but I have never ever heard them yell at one another. They are centered in God and are now blessed with a child of their own. And I pray with every fiber of my being that someday God will send somebody who will stick around no matter what and will make me a better person.. not a worse person. Because right now I am horrified that I will keep myself from ever making it down the aisle. I'm scared that I will be alone.
     I know God has somebody for me. It just seems very hopeless right now, with all that is going on. I don't want to be an English teacher who goes home to her eight dogs and waits for years and years to be forgiven because she screwed it up with someone special. I don't want to be that person.
     Right now forever seems impossible.

August 30, 2012

Testing the Ropes

Today I participated in a low ropes challenge course at a local college with a county-wide leadership program for juniors. When I first learned that our first team and leadership building exercise was an obstacle course, I freaked out. I didn't think I'd be able to do it physically. I was worried that my dear friend PCOS and all the issues it entails including un-normal weight would affect me. Quite honestly, it did. Today I learned that I have limitations. At some things I was disappointed, and at some things I failed. I probably could have  straddled a rope and swung over the "poisonous pit of peanut butter," but I didn't feel comfortable. I was scared. So I closed my eyes and basically crabwalked to the safe "lily pad" of a hula hoop" that was our goal. I got dirty today. I took a chance.
I trusted a lot of people who I just met to be mature and accept me just the way I am today. And at lunch, when somebody in my group mentioned a story that he was going to tell about the ropes to his sister, but he "couldn't say right now," I lost faith in humanity a little. Everybody has those moments, I'm learning. Everyone experiences the, "Why, exactly, do they think they have any business making a joke out of me?" in life.
But then after that comment, again at lunch, we got back to the positive. Things that we're good at. Things that I'm good at. I discovered that when people decide to take risks and are scared to death, there will always be people who laugh. Not necessarily to their face, obviously. Perhaps the comment wasn't about me. But in that very moment, I was sure that it was. After eating my one piece of pizza (go moderation!), we did another challenge involving a giant spider web that we all had to fit through. And although I probably messed up once or twice, so did everyone else, but overall we succeeded.
So for the latter half of today I didn't stress perfection and I loved it. I was laughing with people from my school that I don't usually talk to, and I learned that snap judgements are sometimes wrong. A guy who I thought was directionless several years ago also participated in this course today, and although he wasn't in my group, he rode my bus where he sang. Well! I mean, I knew he sang, but this? I was impressed. He sang loudly. Unabashedly. And I realized that he wasn't the only one who took that step.
Every single person I met today put themselves out there. Out in the open to be judged, labeled, and thrown in a cute little box for all the world to see. Every single person I met today had enough courage to throw open the hatches, and just be themselves outside off all clique lines. Sure, you can still see vague outlines. Jocks, cheerleaders, strange people like me. (There aren't that many of us who are leaders!) But surprisingly, everybody forgot about that for a while and worked together. I forgot about that and worked with them.
And certainly, if that guy was talking about me and was to ever read this, I would want him to know that I'm sorry for assuming that he was being a jerk. And if he was being a jerk and laughing at me, then the laugh is on him, because I laughed at me too. It was good. I learned more about myself and leadership than I ever have in a classroom. I am happy that I risked something and tested the ropes.

Quick Notice

My blog will probably seem a bit out of order from this point over the next month, as I will be recounting my experiences in school and over the summer, along with deep philosophical thinking. Totally. (I saw that misspelled on the back of a shirt today. It bugged me.)

July 18, 2012


I have this blog bookmarked. It does good things for me.

Auditory Experiences

Guys... I want you to take a deep breath with me. In.... out...

This might be a little intense for those not familiar with teen internet slang and such, so I'll eventually break it down. Bear with me.

I am just a little emotional right now.. because I just had my first "eargasm." Yes. You read that correctly. I realize that is a sort-of-vulgar term if you switch a couple letters, so don't go googling it if you don't know what it means. I'll explain.

I thoroughly recommend these. Beauty lies within their metal exterior.

My ears were very pleased with my new earbuds. I picked them up as a last minute thought in Walmart... I plugged them into my laptop and started listening to Some Nights by fun.... and then it was beautiful. I've never had technology make me feel like crying happy tears before, and just ten minutes ago, it happened. It was glorious! Chill bumps!

July 17, 2012

Anyone Except You

"I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone." That is a phrase said by many who've lost loved ones. When I lost my brother, I said that. But the difference between me and most people was a meant it. I really meant that I wouldn't hope for anyone to experience what I was feeling at that moment- even the family of my brother's killer.

I think most people assume that when a person does something that is illegal, it only affects the perpetrator. It doesn't. It affects their family, their friends, and every single person connected to them. Most people who cry "I wouldn't wish this on anyone" change their minds when the person who hurt them is found or convicted, and eventually the person who uttered such a merciful statement is found yelling the words death penalty.

Is that consistent? Is that even fair? Don't get me wrong, I believe in consequences, and sometimes people don't change and have no remorse. But sometimes people just take time to change, and I don't believe taking the chance to become a better person away from anyone. Yes, having someone taken away from you sucks. It hurts. It would hurt less if the person had stabbed you instead. But lashing out because of that hurt is not justified. Just as you, as an adult, would not hurt someone when you are hurt, neither should you be intent on getting revenge that you will not benefit from. I realize that you are on pain but you are not a child.

My brother is not coming back no matter how long his killer stays in jail. Your mom, dad, cousin, or child will not be avenged if their killer dies. He or she will look down on you and hope that that your hurt goes away. The dead are not vengeful. The dead are not angry. The dead are either peaceful or regretful and there is nothing they can do to change that. So for goodness's sake, take a look at yourself and fix your own hurt before you go and pray for someone else's heart to be torn out.

Too Philosophical

      Somebody mentioned that I should get away from my family. And quite honestly, I love that idea. A gym is going to become my bff in the next couple of weeks and I am pumped! Lots of Zumba, maybe some kickboxing, and maybe something really vague like "Brazilian Butt Lift?" I've gotta say, that sounds kind of dirty. Oh well. I'm all for... positive... experimentation?
      My mom and I are going to go on vacation and leave my dad at home. I am rather excited and she said she'd like to leave this week although we have no idea where we're going, and these days I am not the "let's jump in a car and go somewhere, because the journey is the destination" type of person.
      My mother also suggested that I was "tech-addicted." I won't deny that 100%. But at this very moment, my dearest laptop is proving to be a nice little escape away from all the cleaning/laundry/shopping/planning/driver's testing I feel like I have to do. And my philosophy is that if something is working for you and not hurting you... it's working for a reason.
      Back to the gym or whatever. I have one punch left on my Zumba card, and will be using that today. I get to talk to someone my age today! In real life! How exciting, says the antisocial-in-summer teenager. I get to tell my darling friend all about my driving test (I refused to share through text message) and I am super pumped to try out kickboxing. And yoga. I want to go to yoga. I think that might be really good for me.
      My fitness friend also suggested that I go to a jewelry store owned by someone who also Zumbas with us and is wonderfully insane. She apparently makes pretty things out of moths and butterflies. Dead moths and butterflies. I'm really worried to go in there, although I'm sure everything is gorgeous. Is it inhumane? Does she only use dead ones? Does she cut their cute little insect-y lives short for her own personal enjoyment? Does she take joy in the fact that she dismembers their bodies? I feel like I want to ask her. But I don't. But I do! You know? One of those crazy internal debates.
      Hmm. Maybe I'll type up a poem or two and throw them on here for your personal enjoyment. Yes, you. I have a secret! (I know you're reading. ) How sweet of you! Thanks by the way, for making me... popular. Maybe I should take my name off of my blog posts if I'm going to be popular. But I don't think that will be a major problem any time soon.
      I feel the need to make you aware that us blog-writers are very interested in who our readers are. Sometimes we resort to very interesting measures to know our audience... and the best of us do know our audiences quite well! Just thought I'd throw that out there for you to chew on.
      Three weeks of summer left, I've accomplished next to nothing, and that is about to change. More excitement ensues! On a happier note, my mother made whole-grain spaghetti so I have a nice lunch waiting on me. Go Mom!

July 13, 2012


I heard a new one today. Yay for Appalachian stereotypes!

"The only virgins found in the Appalachian mountains are the ones that can outrun their brothers."

It might be wrong, but I laughed. Loudly.

July 11, 2012

Comfort and Chill Bumps

It (Sucks)

      Some days feel like a battle. I keep pushing to feel good about it, keep trying to forget about it and just be me for once. But some days I feel like it controls me. It is mine, and I should be able to shave it, bend it, shrink it, or crack it if I want to, but it keeps acting like it has a mind of its own. It doesn't! It's my mind, and "it" is mine, so it should do what I want it to.
      Even my positive thinking doesn't work. For the longest time I dreamed that I could wish it all better and it would be gone just like that. But it's not! It's sticking around for my whole life, and that is stressful. It is uncooperative, stubborn, and downright pissed off for no reason. Sometimes I hate it. But I'm told I'm supposed to love it, because it's mine and I can make it whatever I want it to. But changing it will take time and I am impatient with nothing but myself.
      I want to harness it in, and break it down into something healthier but it is hard and stressful. Sometimes I wish I could switch with someone else. I know I am supposed to love me and everything that is mine, but right now I hate it.

July 9, 2012

Synonymous (Do Not Pass Go)


[bich] noun

For this purpose, see definition 3.

3. Slang
a. a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, especially a woman.
Synomyns: shrew, nag, termagant, virago, harpy, fury, spitfire, scold

Most people who know me are aware that I rarely use profanity because there are other words that are more sophisticated most of the time. This morning, however, I am at a loss for anything but the crude itself, so I googled it, and I will now proceed to use a few synonyms and the definition in my blog post this wonderful grand beautiful gorgeous day.
     Today at my driving test, my examiner started of by being very polite and condescending. It made me feel great! She then showed her true colors by continuing to look down on me, maybe because I was wearing lime green, and began to act like a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, especially of the female persuasion.
     She was a condescending, hateful person this morning (although maybe not always) and proceeded to harp on me pretty darn hard. She decided to, at the very end of my test, let me know that the person behind me was honking because I "almost stopped" (I didn't) at a green light while turning left. I was ensuring that the woman acting like a shrew next to me wasn't hit by a car. Maybe I should have been less careful.

June 27, 2012

Finding Nemo

     Last night I was talking to someone who lost his dad as a kid. He cried at Finding Nemo. I never did because as a kid I was sure that if I got lost, my dad would drop everything and come running. Now I'm not so sure. I guess he loves me, but it hurts when he keeps pushing me to be "better." As I teenage girl, I'm sure you can imagine this is not good for my confidence, so this blog post is to let that hurt out.
     As a kid I knew my dad loved me. I didn't really do anything extraordinary except mess up my room, but that was okay because I was a kid. Now I suppose my dad loves me. I have a 4.0 GPA and will probably be taking 3 college/AP classes my junior year. My room is still messy because I want to relax during summer and not bother with things that don't make me happy. Does that make me selfish? Lazy? It certainly doesn't make me a bad person.
     I think I'm just tired. Tired of trying to impress him so he'll tell me good job. I feel like his love is conditional- he loves me as long as I graduate high school, become a clean freak, and wake up before 12pm. I feel like it's all a waste, but that's just now.
     As much as I love my dad, my life is not his. My life is mine. I want to be happy. Right now I am not happy. I probably will be in a few minutes (hopefully) but I'm talking long-term. I want to be a happy, successful adult eventually and I feel like my dad is dead set against that happening.
     But for now I just want to be me.

June 23, 2012

My Sunburn is Peeling

     It's funny when you meet someone. You exchange names, smiles, and unsaid laughter at how funny or boringly normal the other person seems.
     Then you run into them again, and again, and maybe you undress them with your ears. You take apart their words, dissect their phrases into little chunks that hardly mean anything. You peel back another paper thin layer each time you listen, and it's thrilling to get closer, because they're taking you apart too.
     Next maybe you catch a scar on the surface and wonder what made the dent. Keep undressing away the exterior and you'll find out. Of course it's exciting. Taking off a front is exhilarating. You never know what you'll find under all the normalcy, and suddenly someone "boring" doesn't seem so plain anymore.
   No one is only their face value, or so I'm finding. Some faces are pretty than others, but eventually, like a sunburn, those peel and decay in time too. What else would a fungi do in its spare time?

May 4, 2012

To the Anti-Theist

I am a Christian.
I am sixteen.
I am targeted online.
Everyone online assumes that because I'm a Christian, I shout obscenities to women who walk in abortion clinics.
I think those women are in a tough place, and need help, not to be screamed at. A hug would probably be more effective.
I have never screamed at someone, telling them that they would go to hell.
I have never tried to damn someone for all eternity.
My place is to share my hope with you.
I have friends who are gay. They know how I feel, but I love them for who they are.
My belief that homosexuality is wrong doesn't conflict with the fact that I love them.
I love them, not what they do.
I have stood up for my gay friends when others made fun of them for they way they seemed to act.

But somehow, it's okay for Mr. It Gets Better Dan Savage to talk about how people he has never met are pansies because they think differently about things than he does.
He is a bully.
He headed a campaign for LGBT anti-bullying, but when faced with Christians, his rules don't apply anymore.
Because some people who call themselves Christians dish out hate, he threw it back on all believers.
And that is wrong.
That is all.

March 15, 2012

Quick Thought

If you've been raped and are now pregnant, it's not an evil man's face you're going to see when you look at your baby. It's an innocent one that's yet to be corrupted, and as a mother, it's your job to try to protect your child from the things you've experienced, not to deprive your child of the opportunity to live.

February 4, 2012

Holy Cows

Today my dad bought a heifer cow. When I walked up the driveway today, I saw her just standing there by herself at the edge of the field. She had already been corralled into a trailer and given a shot of penicillin, then set loose in a pasture with goats in it where she was the biggest one there. I can't help thinking she was scared. She wouldn't walk up to me when I went to play with my littlest goat, and she wasn't all that scared of my bloodhound through the fence. Duke wouldn't be friendly, of course. He had to show off his bark. But as she moved closer, his bark got a tad more high pitched and less intimidating. My carnivorous, giganto dog was scared of a gentle, meek cow.

The poor thing sniffed him and Duke didn't know what to do. (I think he thought she was a large play toy.) Anyway, it must have been very scary for her today. Dad didn't think about where she would stand if it rained (she doesn't like the goats,) and it didn't seem to be of utmost importance that the poor baby was bellowing every few minutes. The cow was lonely.

I kind of just wanted to go up and hug her, but I had to restrain myself. I'm not sure if she's going to be lunch or not. Hopefully the latter. Mom doesn't like the taste of Jersey anyway. (Too fatty, she says.) So if mi padre buys a steer for a beef, I will name him Chops to remind me that he will be my future dinner, and I will name her May Belle, because that is a fitting name for a cow.

Anyway, that made me think of how when you first meet someone. You try to hold back a lot of emotion and personality to become more cookie-cutter acceptable. But poor May Belle couldn't do it. She was large and kind of imposing, and when we couldn't see where she went when it was dark outside, I even commented that I wouldn't feel bad about eating her if she trampled my baby goat, Bonnie. Maybe I'm prejudiced against something so huge too. Or maybe I'm just tired of my dad's impulsive decisions. That's another topic for another time.

Also, I feel a strange affinity with female livestock... but that's another story for another day too.

I'm going to try to pet May Belle tomorrow.