Last night I was talking to someone who lost his dad as a kid. He cried at Finding Nemo. I never did because as a kid I was sure that if I got lost, my dad would drop everything and come running. Now I'm not so sure. I guess he loves me, but it hurts when he keeps pushing me to be "better." As I teenage girl, I'm sure you can imagine this is not good for my confidence, so this blog post is to let that hurt out.
As a kid I knew my dad loved me. I didn't really do anything extraordinary except mess up my room, but that was okay because I was a kid. Now I suppose my dad loves me. I have a 4.0 GPA and will probably be taking 3 college/AP classes my junior year. My room is still messy because I want to relax during summer and not bother with things that don't make me happy. Does that make me selfish? Lazy? It certainly doesn't make me a bad person.
I think I'm just tired. Tired of trying to impress him so he'll tell me good job. I feel like his love is conditional- he loves me as long as I graduate high school, become a clean freak, and wake up before 12pm. I feel like it's all a waste, but that's just now.
As much as I love my dad, my life is not his. My life is mine. I want to be happy. Right now I am not happy. I probably will be in a few minutes (hopefully) but I'm talking long-term. I want to be a happy, successful adult eventually and I feel like my dad is dead set against that happening.
But for now I just want to be me.