September 3, 2012

Is Forever Impossible?

      Marriage. Such a fantastic idea. Each girl dreams about her wedding day and what a pretty dress she'll wear and all that crap. Yeah. But where do marriages usually end up these days? In the toilet! Currently, I am losing faith in the institution of marriage. And that's a big deal coming from me.
      I had a just-fine day crammed with homework, essays, and other crap I didn't want to do but I did it anyway. Then five o'clock comes around. My mother is supposed to be home. After a fifteen-minute held over staff meeting at her daycare job, she gets home and my father starts yelling at her about how she's been with other people and not at work. My mom is fifty six. Not saying that fifty six year olds can't be promiscuous.. but really? It's ridiculous.
      This wasn't the first time this has happened, of course. Whenever she gets caught in traffic or gets held over at work or even goes shopping without me, my father is kind enough to accuse her of cheating on him.
      But finally! Something unique about this situation! My darling mother then thinks it's kind to warn me that I shouldn't bother with men because "they're all the same."

      Yeah, I'm having a great day. Right when I first start to relax and enjoy my day off of no school, I get told by my mom who is always so patient and understanding that marriage is basically pointless.
      I have a feeling that when I actually fall in love this is going to cause me a crapload of emotional issues because I can't trust anybody. Or that I'll always be scared that our marriage will fail. Or that he'll run off and leave me because I'm not good enough. God knows I've heard that enough, I mean, really.
      I am supposed to be a strong, organized, independent daughter but sometimes I feel like I want to be none of those things. Right now I feel like I want to be none of those things. I mean really, how horrifying would it be to fall in love with the person who is right for you then to run them off because you want to control the situation? Or get scared and pull back from them because you're just not sure that it'll work?
      So right now, in the middle of this long rant at sixteen years of age, I take a step back from my parents' failed marriage even though they still tolerate each other and look at my second set of parents. They have always been there for me. I know they disagree, but I have never ever heard them yell at one another. They are centered in God and are now blessed with a child of their own. And I pray with every fiber of my being that someday God will send somebody who will stick around no matter what and will make me a better person.. not a worse person. Because right now I am horrified that I will keep myself from ever making it down the aisle. I'm scared that I will be alone.
     I know God has somebody for me. It just seems very hopeless right now, with all that is going on. I don't want to be an English teacher who goes home to her eight dogs and waits for years and years to be forgiven because she screwed it up with someone special. I don't want to be that person.
     Right now forever seems impossible.

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