November 5, 2013


Hi guys. I know it's been a while, but due to a variety of factors that I won't list here, this blog will be mainly continued elsewhere! I might post here occasionally, but please, if you would, follow me!

Finding the Quiet

I sincerely hope the few of you I've kept continue to keep up with me!
Here's to change!

August 12, 2013

On To-Do Lists

I made one this morning.
"Sort clothes, exercise, do 2 loads of laundry, empty trash can, count cash, sort clothing, vacuum."
I can honestly say I have done four of those. Which three, I will never tell.

Anyway, I got up this morning and decided to be more productive than I had been last week. While that is not really a huge step up, I wanted to get a few things done before school starts. It also hit me today and I really need to find a serious monologue for theater auditions. If you know of a good one you think would work, comment! I would appreciate it a lot. (Spell check told me "alot" was correct. Now it tells me it's not a word. I think I need to get a new spell check extension.) Otherwise I think I'll be scouring youtube for spoken word that doesn't sound overly poetic, and instead sounds like spoken words and sentences. Maybe there should be a category to separate the two.

A few words I really don't like (because I always misspell them): misspell, abstinence, separate, exercise. I would be lost without spell checking. Isn't it funny how that's a verb now? Oh, it isn't? Too bad. It is to me. I used to misspell definitely all the time, but then a friend who is abstinent helped me separate the truth from fiction: finite is inside definitely. That has always helped me remember. :)

So, three items to go. I woke up late and need to get tired so I can go to bed before 2:30 because when I did that last night I slept until 12pm. Is that an unhealthy decision?

I installed a new extension for a private search engine trying to break the google habit...but I doubt that will happen. Google is just so....easy...and engrained in my mind. DuckDuckGo is really nice, but it's just not the same. Plus I really don't feel like I'm going to D+tab when I search, rather than just typing my search term in. Gotta love that omnibox. Shoutout to my Chrome peeps, even if they are getting our data left and right.

I think this anecdote is very descriptive of how I talk and how conversations work with me. I start out with a main idea, and go off on eight different tangents on my way to continue on with my idea. Also, I changed colors. I really hope you like it! I wasn't feeling orange anymore. Teal is more my style. Or at least it's supposed to show up teal. It hasn't for me yet. I think I might have to revisit that.

Have a nice night. Conquer the world (with love).

August 11, 2013

Sunday Morning and I Never Want to Leave

Hi. My name is Emily, and I'm a recovering undedicated blogger. You see, I often compare my attention span to that of a squirrel, especially when I'm tired or cannot receive immediate gratification. Anyways, today is Sunday (derp) so I went to church this morning, and Sunday School. Representin' my youth group....that only seems to come together when people spend money on us....wait, I didn't say that. I feel like giving up but I suppose that's a bad idea. There are better things to come. A few quick notes:

  • I am listening to Michael Aranda talk on SciShow. His voice is soothing. I don't really care about Mars though. I wonder if that thought would offend him.
  • It's been like two months since I 'shaved.' Yeah. I said that, on a public website. By 'shaved,' I mean removed hair. I don't actually shave anymore; I use Nair. I'm really good at cutting myself. Shaving with wimpy tiny razors isn't for me. I have larger ones with bigger...non-slip handles, if the fancy ever strikes. In fact, here's a fun story:
    • One time in my troubled preteenage-hood (pre-white arm/leg hair), I decided my arms were becoming too much like a gorilla, even though it wasn't that bad. So I gracefully swept up my mother's razor and began to shave my arms. Take that, France...even though I'm back on your side now...I digress. I was getting really excited because all the gross hair was gone and the bathtub was beginning to look satisfyingly brown, and then I looked away and my hand slipped and now I have an approximately one inch long scar on my left forearm. Yay talent.
  • I really like the fuchsia underwear I got yesterday! They're awesome...and empowering! It's amazing what good-feelings one can gain from underclothes....
  • I continue to feed my grilled chicken nacho addiction. 
That's all for today, folks. Thank you for reading :)

August 10, 2013

Confessions of an (Almost Adult) Drama Queen

Yeah, through this whole blogging journey thus far I've found I'm really undedicated. Sorry about that. It's hard for me to stick with things when I can't see the outcome short-term, and although I'm sure this will improve my writing skills, this seems like a lot of effort and upkeep sometimes. Other times, though, blogging and writing in general has been very helpful to me in expressing myself, so hopefully whenever the time comes that I completely abandon you (all good things come to an end) this will remain and hopefully relate or reach out to someone!

On that note, I think I will briefly share some experiences I've had recently, and confess several things also. Buckle your seatbelts, folks.

  • Today I bought purple underwear. Fuschia is probably a more accurate description. They're my favorite. 
  • Today I also had an off-day. I kind of felt like crap and wanted to lay in bed in pyjamas. I managed to leave my house, so that's an accomplishment!
  • I don't really know how I feel about my senior year. I got senior pictures in. I need to get some done by a company I actually like. (Those school contracted ones were awkward; old men called me babe.)
  • I've recently dabbled in pokemon, but not enough to know how anything complex works. It's still like a foreign language.
  • I've also recently really liked these two comics: Girls With Slingshots and Questionable Content. They make me laugh.
  • The kind-of-crush I mentioned in my update isn't really a kind-of-crush anymore. He lives about an hour away from me and although we had a nice (appropriate) time in Washington and I received a very nice parting hug, I'm fairly certain that is going absolutely nowhere.
  • A thirteen year old swore at me when I was at the fair with my nephew this summer. She was not wearing substantial clothing. Also, a boy whose voice had yet to change also swore about not being able to twist around on the swing ride. He sounded like a nine year old girl. Moral: parents, teach your children appropriate language (and spelling please).
  • My doctor wants me to get more blood work done. I'm kind of refusing. Does that make me a bad person?
  • I am going to be a teacher's assistant for school this year and am super excited to help out with US History. 
  • I have no idea what english class I'm taking through a local college because they cannot override a classroom seat limit. This causes me much irritation.
In all of these things, I have found out something about myself that I didn't know before. I suppose that means...I'm ready to become an adult? I don't really know. I'm going to be able to legally get married, watch porn, buy tobacco products, play the lottery... move out... It just seems like there's so much stuff out there and I'm excited, but I'm also really nervous about how my life is going to turn out. 

Here's to being more dedicated (in many things).

July 4, 2013

A Follow-Up that Will Be Followed Up On

Well, while I have been gone (oh, oh, oh, oh...for the longest time) I have been one busy lady. So here I will summarize several things I want to talk about with my next few blog posts:

  • my kind-of crush and new friends
  • my trip overall
  • my church experience in DC
  • the impact of stress on our lives (ex. my brother)
  • poor decision making (ex. my brother)
  • my fourth of july festivities with my church family
  • my former youth pastor's marriage and their stories
  • distance and its impact on relationships
  • 'life-changing experiences'
  • what adulthood means (I'm the big 18 in December), and
  • an analysis on why I keep reading romance novels and watching romantic comedies
I have plenty to choose from. Perhaps I'll do one of these every so often so I won't sit and say "I don't know what to write about."

May 4, 2013

Finals at the Beginning of May

By the end of this week, I will have over half of my finals for this year done and I still have a month of school left.
I, thankfully, do not have to take the Algebra 2 final, although I had to take my college precal on Monday.
It wasn't that bad. I feel decent about it.

(I ended up getting an A in the class which means I have a college 4.0 and eight credit hours in math. I also kept my GPA>4.0, so I am successful thus far!)

April 24, 2013

A Particularly Shameful Subject (I Can't Believe I Have to Discuss This)

I feel led to write about myself tonight. I usually don't, because then I am forced to mentally separate my identity, my situation, and my feelings. The song that goes "Even if the healing doesn't come and life falls apart, my world becomes undone, you are God, you are good, forever faithful one- even if the healing doesn't come," is on my heart.

Tonight my cousin was talking about girls discussing being on birth control when they're not in committed relationships on Facebook, calling these girls whores.
I am not a whore. I am not in a committed relationship... I am a virgin and a Christian, and I am on birth control.

You see, I have this syndrome that is usually referred to as PCOS. The acronym stands for a sometimes inaccurate name based upon one symptom- polycystic ovaries. Not all people with PCOS have all symptoms. In fact, some only have one or two. Not many people know about the syndrome itself. It's not a disease though. You can't treat the PCOS itself, just your symptoms. Nobody's really sure why it starts. They think it might be genetic, but no promises. My issue is hormonal, so for me, my treatment includes things that help my body better process, produce, or carry out procedures or things that it can't on its own. So basically I take birth control, and a medication that makes me more insulin sensitive, and one that tells my acne to chill out (and also turns my arm and leg hair white.)

But what bothered me most was that I would be automatically lumped in with my overly sexually active peers were I to publicly proclaim that I'm on birth control.

When my doctor first prescribed it, my mom's first reaction was to worry about what the kids at school would say. I laughed- there should be pretty much no doubt about my love life because it doesn't exist. But then I see a comment or hear a comment like my cousin's, and it makes me wonder how far people step outside of their own business.

Let me go ahead and say it- your reputation is important. You shouldn't sleep around. But just because you're on the pill and you don't have a dedicated man in no way means that you're even having sex in the first place. So before you open your mouth or move your typing little fingers again, my conservative or slut-shaming friend, let me remind you that I am not the only one. I know multiple people with PCOS. I know multiple people with other endocrine disorders. I know multiple people who just want to be safe in case something goes wrong.

The pill that I take daily is not a scarlett letter. It should not be taboo. It is a medication used to regulate or fake certain hormones, and a side affect or sometimes purpose of that is pregnancy prevention.
So before you call me a whore or tell me my insurance (no matter where it comes from) shouldn't cover my birth control, perhaps you would rather me to develop some cervical or ovarian cancer. Because for me, those are possibilities. I didn't make myself this way, but I know God has a purpose for it.
Stop throwing the word slut around. I'm tired of hearing it. Stop calling girls whores. I don't want to hear it. And don't you dare tell me my medical treatment makes me something I'm not. Stop acting like you know everything for just a few minutes, okay? Take on another perspective. PCOS is a part of my body. There is no cure. But I should not ever have to justify my medical needs to you or anyone else. The pill does not turn a woman into a whore.

April 23, 2013

Social Faux Pas

Well... As you may have gathered, I have been going through sort of a rough time lately. I've been up and down a lot- usually up in public and down in private.
Yesterday was one of those bad days. I was tired and ready for my first dress rehearsal to be over and a friend and stage manager said something about me and Michael being together.
We're not. We are so not. Aside from him being the ex of a friend, he and I are way too strangely different. He's atheist. Although I don't have an issue with a friendship like that at all, I do have an issue with a relationship like that. God didn't make me just so I could pick anyone I have chemistry with and go for forever with them. While I might date someone on another boat later on in life, it won't be to recruit them. He gets kicked off the list of possible suitors mostly because he's a jerk.
I will link an article I read entitled, "Whom You Marry Matters." I loved it, and I knew it was from God. I have a really clear personal conviction to not date until I am for sure that God is okay with it. I don't want to step out of His will for my life for some boy who's not supposed to be there yet or at all.
But this week I found myself getting clingy to Michael. I don't know what my subconscious is up to, but I don't like it. The only thing I need to cling to is God. (My phone has some pretty great autocorrects. It just changed cling to fong, which is kind of racist because a chickie who I'm pretty sure is Michael's crush is Asian.) Anyway, I know that any satisfaction that I get from being with someone is only temporary unless it's through Christ.
So when I look for assurance and affirrmation with people I know that you aren't going to find anything permanent. People change, opinions change, but the love of God never wavers. In Him I have to find my strength, instead of looking to a boy. Even though it's quite tempting to want to feel wanted, back up and look at what you're doing...note to self.
That being said, my faux pas wasn't really a sinful one- I just rambled about a couple of insecurities to Michael in a message. On Facebook. Yeah, you can laugh. The only thing I should be doing on Facebook while upset is asking for prayer from my church family.
I actually avoided him in the hallway today, which is kind of hilarious. at least he doesn't think I'm perfect?
Life is good, even when you do things that are embarrassing. I desire your prayers.
P.S. I am worried that my ex is going to ask me to his senior prom. "What should I say?" asks a confused Emily to her readership and her Savior. Like I said, prayers!

April 18, 2013


I don't think I've felt this low in a while. I'm really stressed out, or burned out, you pick. I feel like I'm getting really close to the end of my fuse, and I don't even know why.

We had a great service at church last night, and I spent almost all day ready to go and conquer. And then I failed, but made some progress on our lift. And then I failed some more. And then I had to fix someone else's mistakes because they were too lazy to do their job. So I had to do mine twice. And then biology got philosophical. How can a relationship be mutualistic if one thing eats the other? So what if the fungus can grow because of an ant- it gets eaten. How is that beneficial?

Then in rehearsal we all sat in our dance studio and did songs. Ensemble and my friends left. After that, my acquaintances left. And then there was me on the side by myself and others in cliques. I had never felt so alone.

Am I depressed? Am I just tired, or what? Will this go away if I just get more sleep? Or is this a me issue? Am I screwed up? Maybe I'm introverted- maybe that's why I get so tired of people sometimes. It just feels like I'm spread so thin and I can't gather myself back up.

I have a nine hour rehearsal tomorrow with my giant cast. I will be with my friends. I will be with my former friends. I will be with Michael and all my other theater acquaintances. But the question that's on my mind is whether or not I'll feel alone.

Don't get me wrong- I cherish my solidarity. But there comes a point and time where you really just need to take a break from...yourself? I don't even know anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like this. And maybe I put myself here. Maybe I wrecked my friendships with Michael and Michelle; actually, I think I definitely did that. And I was in my shower yesterday, I knew I needed to apologize to Michael. I said so many things about him to keep Michelle safe. She was fragile and even I didn't realize the extent of that feebleness until their breakup. So maybe I was trying to shield her from some pain. But that didn't mean I had to push him down to try to pull her up.

And I didn't even say it to his face. I was never rude to him in person- only stoically polite. It's ridiculous how bad I was to him. And I need to apologize, but I haven't. Maybe that's why I feel this way. I prayed yesterday for God to be with me in how I could make our show better. And he told me to apologize. I haven't yet. I remember when MIchael and I talked and he told me about how he was really struggling and all the things that he was dealing with. I had that with Michelle too. And I threw it away. I threw it away because I wasn't mature enough to deal with the eventual break up. They both meant a lot to me.

And lately these days it feels like I've lost so much. I'm just getting deeper into nothing.

April 9, 2013

Overcoming Awkward

Rehearsals for our musical are really coming down to the line. We're getting things down and I think it's going to be great. Today we got the choreography for the prom scene. If you have seen Dirty Dancing, you have probably seen much of our choreography.

Yes, even the hand trailing down the side of the body. Even the hand. And as a teacher at "Southern Ocean High School," my teacher love interest and I go to prom and get funky with it as all of the students do.

Let's call my love interest (in the play) Michael. Michael and I were good friends for the first part of last year. He and I were very different but texted and got along and were fairly close. Then Michael told me he had an interest in my friend "Michelle." I told him it was his choice obviously, but I didn't think it would work out. I told Michelle the same thing. My other friends and I betted on it lasting about two months.

Well, it lasted a year and about a month. They broke up over spring break. Michael and Michelle are both in the cast for the musical, and Michelle and I remain friends, however during their relationship I basically cut ties with both of them. I knew it wasn't going to end well and didn't want to have to play fixer of either of them after it was over (because I used to really like fixing people then God basically but not literally smacked me and told me to stop because I was only hurting myself.)

Much to my surprise, after little to no contact with either of them over the summer. Michael was cast as my counterpart teacher in our musical. Michelle was cast as a student. I didn't really feel good about this whole Michael thing- it was going to be really awkward at first and I was going to have to learn to like him, or at least pretend like it. This was much easier because we had been friends before, but awkward for us because thoughts of Michelle distracted both of us and kind of prevented us from acting our best. It was like a giant elephant in the room- an elephant we had to confront or move because we had to act like a couple first in order to break up.

I learned that when someone has to flirt with you on stage and later caress you and then sexydance (PG-13) with you, you first gain a mutual respect for one another and eventually start to fix or start a friendship. Over the course of growing as a person (and as an actor) and having my comfort zone smashed into the ground, I am trusting Michael not to do anything inappropriate and let his hands wander while dancing, and even am trusting him to pick me up and swing me around a little bit. I had to get over the fact that I don't like touching people or especially trusting them with myself.

I look back to yesterday especially with a laugh. We were practicing our scary swing pick up dance move- and to me it was scary. I like having my feet on a solid surface, and have never been too keen on someone picking me up. My friend Renee didn't have a partner yesterday, and she watched my face as Michael picked me up (while I had to jump) for the first time. I talked to her today, and she said the look on my face was a mixture of horror and depression. I was so scared of letting someone else keep me safe physically and so scared of trusting someone not to hurt me. But I did it. I jumped into Michael's arms despite the awkward (several times, I might add) and eventually I was okay with it. And today we did the dirty dancing dance and there wasn't even an inch between us (my dad will have a heart attack.)

I learned, especially this past week, that people can change. Michael has really grown as a person, I think, since that excited teenage boy from last year has prepared to go into the Air Force and has done what's best and gotten out of a half-hearted relationship. When I first heard they'd broken up, I thought I told you so. But I will never say that to Michelle. I value her as a person too much. I do not need to rub salt in her wound. I also do not need to put down or minimize the friendship that has grown between Michael and myself. I don't need to be dishonest. I don't need to cover anything up. I feel okay laughing when he gives me a strange look and being my normal self-critical self around him. He tells me I'm doing fine and tries to help fix what isn't perfect.

And at the end of the day I am thankful. I am thankful for both of the friendships that I have regained. I am thankful for the push by my director out of my comfort zone. I am thankful that I challenged myself. And most of all, I am so thankful that through God and his grace I have grown as a person and have overcome all of the awkward.

April 5, 2013

Visions and Avoidance and Figuring Out Which Way to Go

My first kiss asked me for my number the other day. Let me look up his fake name for you.....Carl! I called him Carl. I'm not exactly sure why.... but anyway. As you may remember, earlier, I resolved that I remain acquaintances with Carl. Well, the day before yesterday, Carl asked me for my cell phone number.

Reader, I feel I must be honest with you and tell you that I gave Carl my number. He told me to text him first...and I did. But he gave me the wrong number (it wasn't someone else's, he just typed it wrong) so I told him to stop being lazy. And in that moment, sitting on my bed, I saw a plan. I saw a plan that was made to draw me away and distract me- a plot that would take me away from God and toward sin by feeling alone and being tempted by a boy who could make me not feel alone anymore. God let me see exactly where Satan wanted to take me. So I reaffirmed my resolution to not be involved with him. I resolved to myself and God, and prayed for strength and guidance, because in that moment when I saw that plan I was horrified. I knew exactly what choices would lead me down that path, and I am going to try my hardest with God's help not to make the wrong decisions.

He texted me, reader, and I replied. I felt tempted to flirt, and quickly my conscience poured cool water over that flame. So he asked me what was up, and I said writing down songs for church. He asked me how I was, and I said good, just trying to figure out where God wants me to go. He asked me what I'd been doing over spring break, and I said going to church, cleaning, and playing the tambourine. I think you get my drift.

I am avoiding that road. I will not be completely rude to Carl. I will not flirt, however. I will not lead Carl on, and if he tries to encourage movement down that road, I will quickly remind him, with the Lord's help, that that particular path is one that I need to stay off of.

Speaking of paths, this holiness church I've been going to has really...gotten to me, I suppose you would say? I went to church at my church on Wednesday...and it was so sad. We took up prayer requests, sang congregational songs and I sang a special, and then the pastor kind of sort of preached talked for an hour. I can honestly say it was a wake-up call for me. Compared to Tuesday's in-touch-with-God going for the spirit service and message that visibly affected Ally's sister...mine seemed so ineffective. And I questioned why...was it me? I was in both places, that didn't make sense. Was it the person who preached? Was it my church's adherence to tradition in spite of the will of God? Was it the congregation?

And all these questions have left me somewhere in the middle. On one hand there is a powerful church that knows how to get a hold of God that asked me to sing not only once, but kept handing me opportunities to serve God. On the other hand, I see my church that has grown and then shrunk and then shrunk some more and is dwindling away and it seems like no one cares any more. It feels like everyone has given up. And it's not that I want to give up on my church- it's that I want my church to be as effective and as helpful as the other was to me.

But I don't know how to get there. I don't know if I'm done there. Wednesday it kind of felt like it, but Tuesday, I said in my heart, "I'm not at home." If God even told me to leave, would I be comfortable leaving a denomination I've been in my whole life for another doctrine that I'm not certain of the facets of? Would I be willing to leave my youth group that seemed to be going so strongly? Is it wrong of me to try to find my food somewhere else if I'm spiritually starving?

I need direction. I'm begging for direction...and your prayers.

April 2, 2013


Hi blogging friends.

I'm going to be honest with you- February NaBloPoMo just isn't going to get done. Now, if you comment and raise a great fuss about a particular issue, I will, of course, address it, but I'm just being realistic here.

Let's start with March- My prom date (as in the date of the prom, not as in a person) is now set to mid-May instead of the middle of April which leaves me time to find a dress that I like. The dates for my musical were officially set at the end of April (this month- eek!)

I didn't get to go to state governor's cup in writing, probably because the prompt was about the legalization of hemp and my response was "Pff, YES!" I did, however, get to go to my Mock Trial Competition where I had bunches of fun and got to know new people!

My grade in college precal is an 89. That's the first B I ever got on a report card. My friend told me today, "You're not bad at math. It's just that you don't want to be good at math." I guess that means I'm going to have to do really really really well on this logarithms and exponential functions unit- an A must be accomplished. I would have dropped this already if it wasn't five credit hours, and that is less math I will have to take in college. This same aforementioned friend advised me that AP Statistics was probability and that there is a great probability that I will do just fine.

This Spring Break week I realized two very important things that have to do with my musical- 1) I have lost the sheet music to both of my songs, and 2) I have also lost the CD with the backing tracks for the entire musical. I have to be off book by Monday- this will be fun. I also started a ridiculous cleaning of my room this week that has thus far been successful. All my misplaced clothing is being restored and all my undesired clothing is going to be donated! Fun fun.

This past week, I was invited to go to my friend "Ally's" church for a special deliverance service of testimony.  It was good- I really enjoyed meeting new people and hearing people talk about how good God has been to them. I also went to her church tonight (and sang) and played the tambourine! That was super cool (or maybe I'm just a giant dork.) I had never played one before, and I found that it's not all that hard, especially when Ally's sister said, and I quote, "It's like clapping." It was monumental advice to me, because I'd never picked one up before... and then I figured out it's not that scary, but they are loud, so my advice to myself was not to mess up. There were also drumsticks that Ally played (and beat her fingers with.) I really liked going to church there, but it was not my home. Maybe soon my church will be as powerful as theirs? Either way, I am definitely going to make it a habit to visit, which should be easy because their church is on different nights than mine is.

Let me finish by saying that God has been good to me- better than I deserve and could ever even start to wrap my head around. He has blessed me with so many things, and such good friends, and even such great environments so that I can keep my mind on him. I thank Him for all that He's done for me and all that He's going to do. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go on my journey to become a successful student turned teacher and as I try to walk closer to Christ.!

March 15, 2013

Finish Line

I'm bad at finishing things. As I'm sure you've gathered. I stopped on the 26th and haven't found time to catch up since, despite numerous snow days and breaks.

This proves that I am lazy. However, now I will begin to catch up on all my required posts, and I will, in fact, succeed.

Don't give up on me.

Edit: Wow, I am a cheater. I wrote a draft on the 26th, but never published it. It's about not having sex. I'll get around to it sometime.

February 22, 2013

nbpm- Got Soul

Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Do you agree or disagree?

I disagree vehemently.

Every person is individual, which is a fact that most people have no problem recognizing. Most people have heard the quote that talks about how copies aren't worth a penny. 

A soul isn't like a dollar. You can't divide it in half- each one is unique. Every person has his or her own. And although some may say that the 'halves would draw near each other,' having half a soul wouldn't do anyone any good. People are designed to love and want to be near other people, but that doesn't mean that those people have to share souls to want to be with one another.

This quote doesn't do it for me. I don't ever want to be in a relationship that I lose my independence or sense of self in. I want to be able to be myself- not to be half of a person.

Someone has to be okay by themself before they can be okay with someone else. Relationships that are codependent lead one person to always giving and one person to always taking and no one wants to be one thing all the time. Relationships take work, and love certainly takes work. People don't just make relationships work out of nowhere- it takes cooperation between two very different people and sometimes things don't work out. One soul can't have a relationship with itself. It has to find one that complements it in a perfect way.

Be your own person. Nurture yourself. If you take care of you, someone (not your other half- you are whole) will come along and help you then ask you to return the favor. Don't be ridiculous. Actually, do. Just be ridiculous in a way that is all your own.

February 21, 2013

nbpm- Without Love

The song with the same title from Hairspray comes to mind. Life's a forty-five when you can't buy it. (Without love) life's like getting my big break and laryngitis! Like a week that's only Mondays, only ice cream, never sundaes, like a circle with no center, like a door marked do not enter! Darling, I'll be yours forever cause I never wanna be without louhouhouhuhoooove darling never set me free. I'm yours forever. Never set me free, (Tracy) no no noouhoo.
That was your showtune of the day.

But now onto actual content. Today's question is: can people live without love?

The song? Well obviously. In fact, dear reader, my singing/quoting last paragraph might have made you want to pull your hair out.

The choice/feeling/situation?  I believe people can survive without love. It's not a basic need. Your body doesn't need to receive an adrenaline rush from seeing someone or need to feel comforted when someone else is near. A human can survive without love, without a doubt.

However, just because you are surviving doesn't mean you are living.

All people are made up of three 'parts,' if you will: the body, the mind, and the spirit.

Your body will have no trouble whatsoever living without love.

Your mind can live without love, but it's not really all that healthy and it will usually accept some other emotion like anger or hatred as the norm. Your mind wants to feel love. It wants the emotional high. It wants the security so it has one less thing to worry about.

But your soul, your spirit, your heart... your soul cannot thrive without love. Your soul was crafted with love in mind. Your heart cries out for love like the soil cries out for water. Without water, the grass can't grow, and trees can wither up and die. The same thing happens when your soul thirsts for love. It does not want for love as the mind does- it needs for love. It needs for warmth from its creator.

When we deprive our souls of that love of God, we spend much of our time trying to find a way to fill that deep imprint from love in our souls with junk. Some try to fill that hole with drugs, some with alcohol, some with sex. But those things will never fill you up. Those things will leave you panting for more, and like saltwater, will only leave you more thirsty.

But the water of the love of God is pure and undefiled. It fills the spirit up and satisfies completely. When God made us, He created us with a want for his love that someday we would find it and draw close to him.
Without the love he designed us for, we are lost. Without that great love of God, we will try whatever we can to fill that hole. I tried friends. I tried religion. I tried so many things and I was just surviving from day to day.

But I never truly lived until I found true perfect love.

February 20, 2013

nbpm- Because I Need You

Erich Fromm said, "Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you'." How do you define mature love?

I copied this prompt at school today because I didn't want to misquote and my phone doesn't like me to copy and paste.

Immature love is what I think of as puppy love. You're just in a relationship and you really really like them.

Or maybe not even them, just the idea of having 'someone.' When we want immature love, the who doesn't matter nearly as much as the what, or the feeling. Chasing a feeling, however, will not lead to a happy relationship (especially a happy marriage) because feelings fade, and the person you are with is simply the means to an end.

In mature love, though, the person you are with is not the means. He or she is the end. In mature love you don't need to seek out a feeling because although the feeling is still there, like all human emotions, it comes and goes. Mature love is where you stick with someone because you love the person no matter what they're like this minute or this week. Mature love does not wane. It does not waver. It is not selfish; in fact, it is selfless.

Love, I think, comes on in stages, not following this system exactly. Maybe I should wrote out my theory someday. Crushes, infatuations, cares, wants to be near because of the butterflies, wants to be near because you're lonely, wants to be near for status, wants to be near as protection, then finally wants to be near because you genuinely love the person no matter what they do or say.

While the first few things on that list are certainly not bad, they signify that you haven't gotten to the mature part of your relationship yet. The next few are red flags that successful relationships cannot be built around or onto, and the final item on that list is mature love. I need YOU and no one else because I love you.

Grow together if you're in a relationship, and if you aren't, I encouarage you just as Sing of Solomon does to 'not stir up love until it pleases.'

February 19, 2013

npbm- MLKJ Quote Day

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
This is the quote I am to respond to today. My question is: "Which is easier for you? To love or to hate?" It is far easier for me to feel something in the middle like indifference. But if I had to pick one, it would be to love. I don't really think I hate any single person. Sure I don't like some people, and I would really like to avoid being around them at many costs, but I don't hate them. I think that it takes a lot of effort to hate someone. Hate stirs up bitterness because hate is like a blister and in the end it will only cause you oodles of pain. Love, on the other hand, also requires your time and energy. Whether you love a person or a thing, you end up having to commit time to this person or practice to maintain interest in it/them. Love is cooler. When you love you know you can give hugs out for free and not have to restrain yourself from sticking a knife in the hugee's back. This kind of reminds me of my Sunday school lessons on forgiveness- it's not just for the other person; it's for you too. Forgiveness, like love, helps unload burdens and change minds, which I'm sure you'll agree are two great causes. Love is a healthier choice that you can always be proud of.

February 18, 2013

nbpm- Romance and Books

The most romantic book I've ever read....

I think that would be Fifty Shades of Grey.

I'm joking. It's not. That's mommy-porn. Anyways.

The most romantic book I've ever read is probably The Last Song (Sparks) or Along for the Ride (Dessen.)

I enjoy both of those. You should read them. I cried at #1. I always cry at Nicholas Sparks. I don't even know why.

Sarah Dessen is just awesome! I love her. I follow her on twitter. She's super cool. And she just writes so eloquently as I'm surely not doing now.

I'm writing in


which is a

little bit

more like Ellen


February 17, 2013

It Is Wrong

But cheating on blogging every day feels so right.

February 16, 2013


I am a horrible person. Forgive me.

nbpm- 2 in 1

Oh Valentine's Day. It's a day of love and happiness and chocolate and flowers. Now, since we all enjoy those things seperately, I can't understand what's so wrong about celebrating them all together. There is nothing wrong with this holiday if you are celebrating these things.
However,  if you are using the supposed day of a saint to lure someone into bed with you, my church family and I will pray for you.
Keep it pure and keep it meaningful.
This year I appreciated being not attached more than I think I ever have. It's such a great feeling to love freely and in turn accept that love. I think you begin to appreciate people more as you age....

February 13, 2013

npbm- Valentine's Cards

If I had to send out a set of Valentine's cards to all my friends on Valentine's Day, I would send Ben Kling cards. They're hilarious. You should google them. "Weed be great together." "Roses are red, so is the state, let us be comrades because you are great."

On the flipside, there's this guy at my school who I am totally admiring from afar. Yesterday he was wearing glasses and my little heart skipped a beat or two. Shew, he is a cutie. And he has the whole tall not so dark handsome and intelligent looking thing going on. I had a few classes with him in middle school, but I know I've grown up a lot since then and I'm sure he has also.

I'm giving my friends Dr. Seuss themed V-day cards. Woot woot. I seriously need some sleep.

February 12, 2013

nbpm- Favorite Vday Candy

Sweet tarts and dark chocolate. I'll make this up to you on some day where I have time. Night.

February 11, 2013

nbpm- Ideal Valentine's Day

I am perfectly okay with being single on Valentine's Day. I am okay with not having a signifigant other to hug on or having a boy to give me chocolate. In fact, today is my v-day celebration.
Right now I am sitting at my church's banquet for this particular holiday, and I am with some friends who are older than me and several who are younger than me. I look at all of us at different stages of life and laugh at how close we've already become since we've started doing skits together.
But then I see big gaps like how one friend who I hope looks up to me refuses to talk to us or ask for help- ever. And it's times like these when I begin to question whether or not this will work, because she is so concerned about being somewhere else that she will never be able to be here. And I am horrified that this will not work.
I am horrified that we will never find anything in common and we will not be effective and we will not be unified. I'm so so scared this Valentine's day that all my hopes for this will go nowhere. I want so bad for this to work- I have wanted it for years and years and I'm so scared it won't work.
And sometimes like now when a friend crawled under the floor and beat under the floor where the adults are sitting and scared them halfway to death I get a couple of glimmers of hope that it's going to be okay. I'm just worried. I don't have enough faith. My ideal Valentine's Day is one like tonight with more faith, less worrying, and my friend.

February 10, 2013

Jumping the Gun

Today my assistant pastor preached on how hasty and sinful decisions can lead to disappointment and sadness. His first example was marriage. He spoke of how God didn't say that a man finding a woman was good- he said a man finding a wife was good. The same concept applies to us ladies also.

I agreed.with every word he said, and that doesn't happen all that often. That was probably because this part of the message was about waiting. I'm pretty good at waiting, I mean, I don't get impatient too often and I try to give people time to explain their ideas, and most of all I have learned to get over it.

I really want a boy to hug me today- oh well, God loves me more than anyone else could and his comfort is like none other. Back is sore? Too bad, take some Advil, sleep in a better position tonight.

Waiting is not fun sometimes and some days I just want to settle for the leftovers that fall off the table. But I know that there is more for me and when I meet the right person on down the road I will not have to settle.

I am so thankful for the peace that I have been given and God's assurance toward me. When I meet that person, I pray that everything about he and I brings honor to God because it will all be His (non)fault. When I get out of the picture, the right guy will find his way in.

February 9, 2013

nbpm- Movie

The most romantic movie of all time- well, I'm going to shy away from romantic comedies today, because those are usually very unrealistic.

Both of these made me almost cry.

A Walk to Remember. Oh Nicholas Sparks. Your love for making women hate you for their tears is astounding. You use cancer and charming men to pull at our heartstrings. Cancer sucks, and I love charming men. These two aspects make me swoon at the thought of this movie...and cry. I always have tear duct moisture.

Fireproof. I actually just watched this movie this year. Even though I am not in its target audience, it got to me. That's ridiculous. I want to do that if my marriage is ever in trouble. And I love how it's faith based! That's so awesome and it must have made the woman feel so so loved.

I want to feel that loved :( Well, I do, but by my main man Jesus obviously. He'll string along some poor chap for the ride some day. And what a poor chap he will be- to have to deal with my ramblings every single day for forever. But maybe we will both learn to love each other's annoyances. I think that's how it's supposed to go. So, morning showers (which I do not like) and church in the A.M. and I will let you know how it goes.

February 8, 2013

Indecent and Out of Order

I'm not doing my prompt today. I will do it one day this weekend, because I do not really feel like talking about romantic movies. Instead, I feel like...talking. Let me first direct you to the beautiful song that I'm listening to while writing this post. Give Me Love is a beautiful song that just makes me so happy. This version gave me chill bumps. I love me some Ed Sheeran. I would marry him. I would, just so I could have his last name and so he could sing to me every morning.

I'm so happy it's the weekend. My next two months are so busy, and I'm not going to know what to do with myself come late March. I guess all I'll have is you :(

Sorry if this seems disjointed. I'm not writing it all in one sitting. I'm just kind of writing as the fancy strikes me.

I am now bawling. SoulPancake always does it for me. Watch. Be amazed. Those people are ridiculously strong. I probably shouldn't complain about the burnt meal I had at cracker barrel or how they didn't have the brown rice with mushrooms and they charged me extra for my mushrooms and I was annoyed.

Oh well. That's how it works. Life is still good.

February 7, 2013

nbpm- The Ideal Date

Hi guys. The intro to today's is not as eye-catching as yesterday's. Forgive me.

My ideal date... Well, he would be tall, dark, and handsome... Actually I haven't met him yet so I really don't know what he's like. But I think I'll try to discuss the event instead (and as was intended.)

I've never been on a date. Carl was never classy enough to take me out (and I was still young... I don't think I'll let my kids date til they're older.).

Still, a girl can dream.... That sounded so depressing I laughed at myself. Goodness. Well, the type of date I'd really like to go is the kind that's simple but fun. You don't have to take me out to the opera or buy me lobster directly from Maine. I just want to have fun with the person I'm with and feel free to laugh, you know? 

I like zoos, I like aquariums, I like touring local farms and supporting the dairy industry, and if I really like you, I'll hike with you. I like good food and funny people and I want to see the person I'm with smile.

I imagine a date being real. It's not supposed to be some fake experience where two people laugh at bad jokes. It's supposed to be where two people start to get to know each other.

And for the record, if I go out with someone, I will laugh at their bad jokes so they don't feel like a failure.

That's not being fake. It's being polite. You should do the same.

February 6, 2013

nbpm- All My Exes Live in Texas

Actually, my singular ex, Carl, lives in my city so I didn't get to run away from him. If I could have, I would have. I don't like being close friends with exes. It's too easy for the feelings you had once to pop right back up again and you can't ever get yourself back into 'single mode.' If there's never a break in between couple Ben and Jane and just friends Ben and Jane, one or both of them will not be able to make the disconnect and will get hurt again.

That being said, I'm not a jerk to Carl. If I see him in Wal-Mart I say hi and ask how he is. But if he messages me on facebook I am clear and concise. I don't want to encourage travelling down that road again. Once is good enough for me. If you can't make it work with me the first time, I'd better be able to see a clear and obvious difference in either you or I before I sign up for round two of heartbreak.

I was discussing something with a freshman friend of mine- being picky. He asked how long I'd been single and I answered and it turned out he'd been unattached for a while too. He said I made him feel less alone in his solidarity. He also said he didn't feel like he should waste his time with someone who was just okay. I feel the same way! I like the way I am now. I don't want to be pressured to change from elsewhere and I don't want to have to deal with clinginess or jealousy right now.

If I like you, I'm going to make darn well sure that you're going to be worth my trouble. I don't do this halfhearted crap that some people put up with. I'm a gradual all or nothing kind of girl.

So my challenge to you this month is to look at yourself and the standards that you subconsciously or consciously set. Does the person you're with measure up? Are you bending over a dealbreaker and gonna strain your back? Or if you're single like myself, I'd like to encourage you to not lower your standards. You have them for a reason. Keep them high no matter how badly you want a back massage. Trust me, I know that feeling. But don't give in! You are strong! You are human! You can choose this for yourself. You are woman (or maybe man- do I have any manreaders our there?) so let me hear you roar!

February 5, 2013

nbpm- Falling in Love

Goodness, I thought he was cute and funny. To me he was the cat's pajamas and I was so caught up in feeling whatever I was feeling that I couldn't think straight. This feeling developed over a whole summer and rested quietly in my heart until early December. And then he was my first legitimate boyfriend and my first kiss. I thought it was great. Then two weeks later on my birthday that pathetic excuse for a relationship was over. But then I really stepped back and looked at what I felt. I wasn't all that sad about losing him- I've found that he was definitely replaceable. But what I missed so much after that brief and totally innocent affair was the feeling, and not the boy.

Today's topic is supposed to be about the first time I legitimately fell in love. Quite honestly that hasn't happened yet. Sure, at the time I wanted to be in love with.....we'll say Carl, but after the fact I found that if I had gotten in a fight with him I would have plucked my eyes out. We were that incompatible.

Carl made me realize something- although relationships may make you feel all nice and warm and fuzzy, if they are to succeed then both parties involved have to make an honest effort to look past the feeling and take that person for who they are. With Carl, I never did that. I kept a cute little pair of rose colored glasses on the whole time and I now realize that feeling that way and not analyzing the situation at all is stupid.

If there's one thing that rom coms have taught me, it's that you shouldn't settle for less than someone who loves you just the way you are. (And when I see your face....)

If there's one thing I know that no romantic comedy could ever teach me, it's that relationships are real and falling in love is real and human and not at all like the movies. You don't see someone in the hallway, go out on a date, get married, and stay together forever just like that. In the wise phrasing of my bio teacher, the reason high school relationships don't work is because hardly anyone is willing to work at it.

Unlike staying in love, falling in love is not always a choice. No matter how it happens take a step back and really look at who you're giving your heart to, because it is not East yo gané ir al baño. That was just too good of a typo to delete. I hit the Spanish option on my keyboard...

Because it is never ever easy to get your heart back once you've lost it.

February 4, 2013

nbpm 2- My First Crush and Other Developments

My first crush.... let me take you back to the first two, because they're both adorable.

Number one: Let's call him Joe. (His name wasn't Joe.) We were in kindergarten together, and he played barbie dolls with me. I was Barbie and he was Ken and we played house at school, then he asked me over on a playdate and we watched Spongebob (I wasn't allowed at home!) and played with all his firefighting heroes and watched Power Rangers. I was kind of a tomboy, but I was still heartbroken when he moved after first grade. :(

Number two: Let's call him..... Dave. I had trouble thinking of that one, because I still know him. In fact, I saw him in the hallway today and we didn't speak. Yeah, kids, don't fall apart or anything, but there's no hope for me falling in love with anyone from my elementary school. This one used to be adorable but we aren't in the same circles anymore and the one or two that are cute now are totally getting jiggy with it if you know what I mean (not with each other...obviously) and I'm not really into that. Back to Dave. I recovered from my heartbreak with Joe in just one short year, and in third grade I was swinging again. Dave was cute and funny and he always liked swinging with me on the playground, and he really enjoyed my inside recess karaoke renditions of "Genie in a Bottle." Yes, young Emily sang that song in front of her third grade teacher and all the boys in elementary school and I really really really really hope no one brings that up at my high school reunion when I'm married some years from now.... anyway. Dave. He came over to my house once and we sat under trees and swung on my swingset and we bought matching mood rings. I still have mine. We jumped on his trampoline and I hugged his dogs and golly, we were cute. For Valentine's Day that year, I made him a card, painted it with nail polish, and put on my play lipstick and kissed where the envelope met. This is where it gets steamy guys. We would call each other every night and on one night a week, we would each settle down in front of our respective television and watch...WWE together. Yeah. I'm totally serious. That was really romantic for a few minutes, huh? Yeah, I'm good at ruining the moment. I do that a lot, actually, especially when I'm feeling awkward...I guess I'll talk about my first kiss in one of these posts this month. Be on the lookout... Hardeeharhar. That didn't really end any better, but that's another story for another day. Happy ten days til Valentine's Day, readers.

I will be eating ice cream with my parents; what about you?

February 3, 2013

Life Goes On

I am going to hate nablopomo by the end of th his month. Oh well. At least I can late night text blog. I have a sick goat. I hate having sick goats. Her name is Susannah and she's one month away from having a baby and of course she gets listeriosis because of this ridiculous weather. Hopefully Dad gets to her with penicillin in time.

My mom told me that I was hateful today. I don't really think I'm that hateful. I'm just really abrupt and I don't like it when people question something I do or say with no foundation to doubt me.

I had a really good church service this morning, and in honor of the loooove month, I want to try to tell you about a few things or people that I love.

I love my church family! They have always been there for me with open arms when something went wrong and a congratulations when something went right. I am so thankful for their love, support, and talent, because theirs enriches mine!

I also love goats. It started two years ago when my father decoded he would try his hand at raising these four legged creatures. They were so sweet and caring and headstrong and they had babies and one of those babies is Bonnie! I remember how I used to lift her above my head I to the Bradford pear trees so she could eat and now she's a plump 150 pounds ans I can't lift her up anymore. Bonnie is my babe. She loves me for my treats, obviously.

It is 11:30. That is all.

February 2, 2013

Makes No Sense to Me

So, I don't really think I have anything to write about today, but I'm going to try to relate whatever I feel like typing to love instead of the other topic. I am tired and I don't have the energy to write about sex. Plus I have a headache.

Get it? Yeah, I know, I'm hilarious. I guess I will start by describing today's events. I woke up and there was snow on the ground. I got 0% of my homework done. I went to Walmart and saw an attractive college student that observes my bio class. Mmm, mm, mm. Does that make me a bad person? I mean, I'm seventeen... Can I not look? Not think about all the time or anything, because that would be awkward, but just look. I mean, not like I'm looking at thirty year olds, right?

You know what, I'm tired and it's late, and you're reading this so I know you won't judge. You know what I love?! I love you- you and your reading of my blog and your support and it just feels like we connect. Right? I feel like this is what I would sound like if I were drunk, but I wouldn't know because I'm underage and am a good kid. I'm babbling. And yawning. Earlier I coughed and sneezed at the same time and lemon iced tea went up my nose. Not a pleasant experience. Anyways.... good night. Perhaps tomorrow will bring more serious topics.

February 1, 2013

nablopomo- February 1

love in the sand

I am going to try my darndest to do this every day, because last time it failed and I was sad. No one likes feeling like a quitter, and I felt like a quitter. This month, however, I will succeed, however awkwardly!

My question of the day is about the last time I said 'I love you." Well, the last time I used that phrase was to my father yesterday morning as I left for school. I think it's funny how I can say that I love him and I feel like punching him in the face sometimes, but I hardly ever say I love you to my mom. I don't really understand my reasoning on that, conscious or subconscious. I've just kind of accepted it as a way of life- I say I love you to my momma when I go on long trips, and that's about it. And on Christmas, and on her birthday and other family-oriented holidays.

Perhaps this means that I am actually an emotionally frigid person in hiding. I'm sorry, that was cynical. I'm sure that you know by now that I'm not quite frigid.... just a smidge award and another smidge realistic about feelings.

I don't think you should say I love you unless you mean it. It's not always some phrase that you should throw around. Granted, I throw out some I love you's to friends when they're being ridiculous or when they're feeling sad to express my happiness for their friendship, and I guess those feelings are sometimes love. But from my limited experiences in relationships, I feel as if you should be very very careful when you say 'I love you' to someone you lust. Love implies a commitment. You don't always feel a commitment. I believe pretty strongly that love is sometimes a choice, at least the kind that lasts is. And when you're in a relationship, of course you want it to last, but the phrase "I love you" will not do that for you. Sometimes it scares people away, sometimes it stings, and sometimes it's plain confusing. Romantic love isn't always romantic- it's also commitment love. I think that sometimes you have to have the romantic love taken away before you realize how strongly you want to commit.

'I love you' is not a magic elixir that will make the object of your desires want to stay with you forever. It is not a cure-all to all of the problems in your relationship. After being with someone a week or who, you definitely do not love them. You love the giggly lightheaded feeling you get when you are with them. Please be realistic. Those words carry more weight than most people realize. They're not a promise, but that doesn't mean they aren't strong. They imply a feeling, a desire, an earnest want to be with that person no matter what.

While you are young, you should step lightly around and on that kind of love. You have your whole life ahead of you. You are strong and you are learning to be independent and you don't need to feel that type of love to be okay. You're great with the love of your family and friends. It's teaching you to love completely before you have to test it out on someone you like.

Thirteen days from Valentine's day, and I am just as single as I could be. I have a great family, a great church family, and a great God that's going to help me through my whole life. He's not going to drop me no matter what I do. So while I am waiting to be ready for someone great to waltz into my life, from Him and all the people he has blessed me with, I will learn to love more deeply and strongly this February. And I am going to that youth rally tonight- come hell or high water.

January 31, 2013


Enter heartfelt blog that will try to abstain from self-pity.

Some of you who know me or who have been following me know that my youth group is new. We've usually just been a group of kids who go to the same church. In the past month, though, we've started to do skits and plan things and we're all really excited.

I had a great service at church last night. I really felt God and I was so excited to get to be able to go to another church's youth rally tonight. I just really wanted to be able to worship God somewhere else that was new with people I go to school with and really feel like I'm part of a church community and not just a church.

But then it was supposed to snow, and my mom didn't want me driving in the forecasted snow, and it was supposed to be a blizzard like no one had ever seen before. And I was freaking disappointed, because I had looked forward to this for like two weeks and I really really needed it. I mean, I looked nice and everything. And then of course Mom drives me to church (it's not snowing) and tells my friend that we should wait because stuff is going to go crazy. So she decides too, that we should wait, and I know that she was disappointed, because she was just as excited as I was.

So I go back home, avoid the mockings of my father, and sit in my room. Seven o'clock comes- the youth rally is starting across town and I am sitting in my room alone trying to feel better listening to music. And it's okay because I'm helping one friend, chatting with a couple more. But then a couple of hours go by and not one freaking snowflake has fallen on the ground and I could have been there but I'm not there and I don't know if I messed up or not and it really hurts when things don't work out the way that they're supposed to. My pastor said and I already knew that the devil would be on our backs today, and I sure feel like he's been jumping on mine. I don't know what I should have done or if I did what I'm supposed to do or what but it's probably over by now and the roads are safe and I should have been there. We all should have been there. But we didn't go, and I feel like I've failed and that we've failed and that this is never going to work out.

I just need a freaking hug because I'm hurting, and I guess that's too much to ask for.

January 25, 2013

This Post is Not Objective

I had a snow day today! It's very exciting. I watched a movie, played some games on my kindle, and ate some junk food. Now, though, I have an idea that came to me whilst I was browsing pinterest! I have decided that I am going to point out the specifics of what I think is attractive in the opposite sex and what, specifically, shuts down my visual happiness. I will provide image sources!

Here goes:


  • Smiling, or looking generally happy/pleased;
  • Well-fitting clothing, in order to keep some modesty (nakey time is for pools and sleep);
  • Well-groomed full facial hair;
  • Dogs- a guy with a dog is so much more attractive than a guy sans animal looking smoldering;
  • Tastefully longer hair;
  • Pants, because after going through all these husband catalog pictures, pants are important;
  • Non-possessive body posture;
  • Appears fun but mature.

  • Stand-alone moustaches (they are only appropriate with other facial hair);
  • Scruffy facial hair;
  • Smoldering expressions (arrogant is gross);
  • Butterfly tattoos;
  • Generally awkward or untasteful tattoos;
  • Most piercings;
  • Hairstyles that require ridiculous amounts of gel or other styling product;
  • Guys who look generally younger;
  • Crazy eyes.
Check out The Husband Catalog on tumblr to look at some pretty guys. Isn't it funny how I said I would be specific and I used the word generally several times? Oh, contradictions. 

Guys with dogs:

January 24, 2013

Crutches and Comfort Zones

Hello and welcome to the absolute best place to read a rant/essay that will inspire you to think about your life and decisions! Maybe I'm just a little biased.

Either way, I wanted to share with you some more of my thoughts, so here goes. I was sitting in church last night, and while my pastor was talking about getting saved and growing closer to God, a thought came to my mind. I thought of that night when my brother was killed, and how I woke up around an hour before, but had no idea what was wrong. I went back to sleep, and when I woke up again, my whole life had changed.

My emotions had definitely changed- I hadn't dealt with death of anyone close to me at all at that point, and I didn't know how to process it, so I shut down. I dealt with children, I kept to myself, and I gave hugs that had absolutely no emotion behind them. I got pissed off at my dad who kept wailing because he was being selfish and acting like he was the only one who was hurting. My mom asked me to vacuum for heaven's sake. But eventually I grew out of that state of emotional immaturity and had another 'awakening."

I think a lot of people are clingy, but some hide it much better than others. Everyone has had a crutch at some point, whether it was staying at home with Mom and Dad, an addiction, not trying because you're afraid you'll fail, or just refusing to go anywhere out of your comfort zone. And we all cling to something. It makes us feel safe, and we don't want to leave that one thing. When something pushes us away from our object, feeling, or situation of choice, we immediately feel uncomfortable and we want to go back.

But there comes a point when you have to choose to walk a few steps away and see how it feels. Get used to it there, then push yourself a little bit farther. This is basically how you grow as a person. However, there are always those people who are Linus and never, ever, ever leave their blanket anywhere. Point in case, people who never want to grow up. You know them, or at least you know about them. These are the people that cling to being young to hard that they don't want to get a job, they don't want to feed their children, they don't want to have protected sex, and they definitely do not want to have the responsibilities that they do. They do immature things like get into fights at bars or clubs, switch romantic partners frequently, and often foster addictions. They need babysitters, but they're older than I am. And I want to shout at them to look at the situation they have put themselves in. It is not their mother's fault that they got pregnant young and now have four hungry mouths to feed. They chose to do that, and now, as a physical adult, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and own up to the fact that they are forced to eat the humble pie they made themselves.

Please let me be clear- it is human to depend on things. It is also human to make mistakes. However, we become inneffective and undesirable to others when we continually cling to our blanket and forget that our mistakes are our choices and we have to learn from them.

So, my challenge to you this Thursday is to look at what is holding you back. Do not be afraid to change into something better.

January 22, 2013

Sickness Unto Life

I think I'm getting sick. It occured to me this morning on the bus as I was describing my most obvious symptoms to my seat buddy: scratchy throat, gross sinus stuff. Then she asked me if I was achy, and at that moment I wasn't. Six AM comes early and often we forget what has gone on earlier in the week. She also mentioned something about a fever which I didn't have.
Then I got to school and got up from my seat, and bam, there was the lower back pain that had decided to show up for about two days. Whoops. Maybe I'm getting the flu. I guess I should stop breathing on people and keep a distance. I hope whatever I have doesn't get any worse though. Because of my rigorous schedule, I can't exactly miss whenever I want. I have three possible misses for rehearsals for my musical, and I am not using them because of some silly virus that thinks it can beat me over top of the head. The great thing is, it's the middle of flu season and I'm in public school so I doubt I'll be exposing anyone who hasn't already been ii n touch with it. I'm hardly ever sick, and this year it just seems to be one thing after another. Doesn't stress lead to compromised immune systems? Whatever. Job this summer, business math next year, hopefully Italy next spring break, and then graduation and off to do something with my life. I think I'm scheduling my classes for senior year later this month.
I have written composition tonight for Academic Team. I'm gonna kick butt. I can't wait.

January 21, 2013


Well, I didn't have school today. I guess that was a plus. My dad is grumpy. My brother nailed a giant board to the back of our house. My grandmother is depressed because all her kids can do is bicker. But despite all of that I had an okay day.

Night? Not so much. I talked with my friends as usual and everything was fine until someone had to withhold certain true but insignificant to him pieces of information and then replace these tidbits with certain false but more entertaining for him fibs. I'm sure that was thoroughly confusing, but fret not, reader, because this post will be relevant to you soon!

Now, the point was not that he wouldn't tell me. As I said, this fact was fairly insignificant and not really pertinent to anyone's wellbeing. The dealbreaker occurred when he replaced the lack of information with information that I knew to be false. It wasn't particularly malicious- he didn't want to hurt me; he only wanted the laughs. If was overall harmless.

Except for the fact that it wasn't. We all deal with those people who push us so far we don't know what to do with ourselves. Praise be to God that He and I have removed most of those people from my life. I am stable, I have good intentions, and I am fairly constant. I grow from relationships with people- when something goes wrong in them it really troubles me. So when someone tries to push me or knock me off of my stability in my friendships I become very protective, even if the friendship is with the offender.

I have learned throughout my short time on earth to guard myself closely. No one enjoys being walked on, especially if the would be floormat is strong willed. And I am the posterchild of strong wills. When you plant a tree and you want it to grow, you don't put poison in its roots; instead, you use water and fertilizer. You don't grow friendships with dishonesty; you have to be truthful and loyal to one another. I have come to find that most relationships dissolve because one party loses trust or respect for the other and it cannot be regained. Nobody appreciates being lied to, least of all by a friend.

So do MLKJ a favor today and be honest in your words, actions, and intentions. Happy Monday night.

Quick grammar fact: the comma after the word 'actions' in the last mini paragraph is called an Oxford comma. It aids in the seperation of ideas. I love me some Oxford comma.

January 18, 2013


Well golly. I feel like such a slacker. I haven't spoken to you in so long. I actually had to download an app for this so I would remember to actually do something. Android isn't very good at suggesting words sometimes so forgive me.

My 109 precal class started. I had a quiz today. I didn't do the homework so I'm relying on my beautiful mind to get me through. I haven't had much homework lately and for that I am thankful. My school is doing a musical called Back to the Eighties this April. I am an English teacher who posed in Hustler swimsuit edition at the age of eighteen. My boyfriend who is also a teacher finds out it about it. This is kind of peculiar. It's strange not learning that much choreography or any of the chorus songs. I thunk that this will still be very fun. My love interest is one of my former superclose friend's boyfriend. I didn't like him so much before but I think we can overcome our differences to be good castmembers.

I watched Lars and the Real Girl last night. It was really sad but had some nice funny moments. I wonder if being delusional is really such a bad thing all the time if it helps you and people around you cope with or own up to something. Perhaps being thought of as strange or crazy is worth it end the end if you ever really want to accomplish anything.

I currently have Florence + the Machine's song "You've Got the Love" stuck in my head. It's not unpleasant considering that after third period it will be replaced by an off-key version of "Kids in America." Keeping punctuation consistent on a cellular device can be annoying, but I'm sure you'll thank me later.

This can go on for another twenty minutes- I do nothing on Fridays in first period but quizzes. I hope I did well. I also had tests in AP US History yesterday and the day before. I think I did well on those also. I didn't register for the February ACT because I was lazy and forgot what day the deadline was, so I'll take it in March with the rest of the juniors in my state. I have an academic writing competition this upcoming week. I hope I place and get to advance to regional and state competition.

Okay, I am done babbling. I will fervently try harder to update this more. You are beautiful in every single way and words won't bring you down. 

Oh, I went in the school restroom and almost dropped my agenda in the toilet. Yep, it's one of those days....