January 31, 2013
Some of you who know me or who have been following me know that my youth group is new. We've usually just been a group of kids who go to the same church. In the past month, though, we've started to do skits and plan things and we're all really excited.
I had a great service at church last night. I really felt God and I was so excited to get to be able to go to another church's youth rally tonight. I just really wanted to be able to worship God somewhere else that was new with people I go to school with and really feel like I'm part of a church community and not just a church.
But then it was supposed to snow, and my mom didn't want me driving in the forecasted snow, and it was supposed to be a blizzard like no one had ever seen before. And I was freaking disappointed, because I had looked forward to this for like two weeks and I really really needed it. I mean, I looked nice and everything. And then of course Mom drives me to church (it's not snowing) and tells my friend that we should wait because stuff is going to go crazy. So she decides too, that we should wait, and I know that she was disappointed, because she was just as excited as I was.
So I go back home, avoid the mockings of my father, and sit in my room. Seven o'clock comes- the youth rally is starting across town and I am sitting in my room alone trying to feel better listening to music. And it's okay because I'm helping one friend, chatting with a couple more. But then a couple of hours go by and not one freaking snowflake has fallen on the ground and I could have been there but I'm not there and I don't know if I messed up or not and it really hurts when things don't work out the way that they're supposed to. My pastor said and I already knew that the devil would be on our backs today, and I sure feel like he's been jumping on mine. I don't know what I should have done or if I did what I'm supposed to do or what but it's probably over by now and the roads are safe and I should have been there. We all should have been there. But we didn't go, and I feel like I've failed and that we've failed and that this is never going to work out.
I just need a freaking hug because I'm hurting, and I guess that's too much to ask for.
January 25, 2013
- Smiling, or looking generally happy/pleased;
- Well-fitting clothing, in order to keep some modesty (nakey time is for pools and sleep);
- Well-groomed full facial hair;
- Dogs- a guy with a dog is so much more attractive than a guy sans animal looking smoldering;
- Tastefully longer hair;
- Pants, because after going through all these husband catalog pictures, pants are important;
- Non-possessive body posture;
- Appears fun but mature.
- Stand-alone moustaches (they are only appropriate with other facial hair);
- Scruffy facial hair;
- Smoldering expressions (arrogant is gross);
- Butterfly tattoos;
- Generally awkward or untasteful tattoos;
- Most piercings;
- Hairstyles that require ridiculous amounts of gel or other styling product;
- Guys who look generally younger;
- Crazy eyes.
January 24, 2013
Either way, I wanted to share with you some more of my thoughts, so here goes. I was sitting in church last night, and while my pastor was talking about getting saved and growing closer to God, a thought came to my mind. I thought of that night when my brother was killed, and how I woke up around an hour before, but had no idea what was wrong. I went back to sleep, and when I woke up again, my whole life had changed.
My emotions had definitely changed- I hadn't dealt with death of anyone close to me at all at that point, and I didn't know how to process it, so I shut down. I dealt with children, I kept to myself, and I gave hugs that had absolutely no emotion behind them. I got pissed off at my dad who kept wailing because he was being selfish and acting like he was the only one who was hurting. My mom asked me to vacuum for heaven's sake. But eventually I grew out of that state of emotional immaturity and had another 'awakening."
I think a lot of people are clingy, but some hide it much better than others. Everyone has had a crutch at some point, whether it was staying at home with Mom and Dad, an addiction, not trying because you're afraid you'll fail, or just refusing to go anywhere out of your comfort zone. And we all cling to something. It makes us feel safe, and we don't want to leave that one thing. When something pushes us away from our object, feeling, or situation of choice, we immediately feel uncomfortable and we want to go back.
But there comes a point when you have to choose to walk a few steps away and see how it feels. Get used to it there, then push yourself a little bit farther. This is basically how you grow as a person. However, there are always those people who are Linus and never, ever, ever leave their blanket anywhere. Point in case, people who never want to grow up. You know them, or at least you know about them. These are the people that cling to being young to hard that they don't want to get a job, they don't want to feed their children, they don't want to have protected sex, and they definitely do not want to have the responsibilities that they do. They do immature things like get into fights at bars or clubs, switch romantic partners frequently, and often foster addictions. They need babysitters, but they're older than I am. And I want to shout at them to look at the situation they have put themselves in. It is not their mother's fault that they got pregnant young and now have four hungry mouths to feed. They chose to do that, and now, as a physical adult, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and own up to the fact that they are forced to eat the humble pie they made themselves.
Please let me be clear- it is human to depend on things. It is also human to make mistakes. However, we become inneffective and undesirable to others when we continually cling to our blanket and forget that our mistakes are our choices and we have to learn from them.
So, my challenge to you this Thursday is to look at what is holding you back. Do not be afraid to change into something better.
January 22, 2013
Then I got to school and got up from my seat, and bam, there was the lower back pain that had decided to show up for about two days. Whoops. Maybe I'm getting the flu. I guess I should stop breathing on people and keep a distance. I hope whatever I have doesn't get any worse though. Because of my rigorous schedule, I can't exactly miss whenever I want. I have three possible misses for rehearsals for my musical, and I am not using them because of some silly virus that thinks it can beat me over top of the head. The great thing is, it's the middle of flu season and I'm in public school so I doubt I'll be exposing anyone who hasn't already been ii n touch with it. I'm hardly ever sick, and this year it just seems to be one thing after another. Doesn't stress lead to compromised immune systems? Whatever. Job this summer, business math next year, hopefully Italy next spring break, and then graduation and off to do something with my life. I think I'm scheduling my classes for senior year later this month.
I have written composition tonight for Academic Team. I'm gonna kick butt. I can't wait.
January 21, 2013
Well, I didn't have school today. I guess that was a plus. My dad is grumpy. My brother nailed a giant board to the back of our house. My grandmother is depressed because all her kids can do is bicker. But despite all of that I had an okay day.
Night? Not so much. I talked with my friends as usual and everything was fine until someone had to withhold certain true but insignificant to him pieces of information and then replace these tidbits with certain false but more entertaining for him fibs. I'm sure that was thoroughly confusing, but fret not, reader, because this post will be relevant to you soon!
Now, the point was not that he wouldn't tell me. As I said, this fact was fairly insignificant and not really pertinent to anyone's wellbeing. The dealbreaker occurred when he replaced the lack of information with information that I knew to be false. It wasn't particularly malicious- he didn't want to hurt me; he only wanted the laughs. If was overall harmless.
Except for the fact that it wasn't. We all deal with those people who push us so far we don't know what to do with ourselves. Praise be to God that He and I have removed most of those people from my life. I am stable, I have good intentions, and I am fairly constant. I grow from relationships with people- when something goes wrong in them it really troubles me. So when someone tries to push me or knock me off of my stability in my friendships I become very protective, even if the friendship is with the offender.
I have learned throughout my short time on earth to guard myself closely. No one enjoys being walked on, especially if the would be floormat is strong willed. And I am the posterchild of strong wills. When you plant a tree and you want it to grow, you don't put poison in its roots; instead, you use water and fertilizer. You don't grow friendships with dishonesty; you have to be truthful and loyal to one another. I have come to find that most relationships dissolve because one party loses trust or respect for the other and it cannot be regained. Nobody appreciates being lied to, least of all by a friend.
So do MLKJ a favor today and be honest in your words, actions, and intentions. Happy Monday night.
Quick grammar fact: the comma after the word 'actions' in the last mini paragraph is called an Oxford comma. It aids in the seperation of ideas. I love me some Oxford comma.
January 18, 2013
Well golly. I feel like such a slacker. I haven't spoken to you in so long. I actually had to download an app for this so I would remember to actually do something. Android isn't very good at suggesting words sometimes so forgive me.
My 109 precal class started. I had a quiz today. I didn't do the homework so I'm relying on my beautiful mind to get me through. I haven't had much homework lately and for that I am thankful. My school is doing a musical called Back to the Eighties this April. I am an English teacher who posed in Hustler swimsuit edition at the age of eighteen. My boyfriend who is also a teacher finds out it about it. This is kind of peculiar. It's strange not learning that much choreography or any of the chorus songs. I thunk that this will still be very fun. My love interest is one of my former superclose friend's boyfriend. I didn't like him so much before but I think we can overcome our differences to be good castmembers.
I watched Lars and the Real Girl last night. It was really sad but had some nice funny moments. I wonder if being delusional is really such a bad thing all the time if it helps you and people around you cope with or own up to something. Perhaps being thought of as strange or crazy is worth it end the end if you ever really want to accomplish anything.
I currently have Florence + the Machine's song "You've Got the Love" stuck in my head. It's not unpleasant considering that after third period it will be replaced by an off-key version of "Kids in America." Keeping punctuation consistent on a cellular device can be annoying, but I'm sure you'll thank me later.
This can go on for another twenty minutes- I do nothing on Fridays in first period but quizzes. I hope I did well. I also had tests in AP US History yesterday and the day before. I think I did well on those also. I didn't register for the February ACT because I was lazy and forgot what day the deadline was, so I'll take it in March with the rest of the juniors in my state. I have an academic writing competition this upcoming week. I hope I place and get to advance to regional and state competition.
Okay, I am done babbling. I will fervently try harder to update this more. You are beautiful in every single way and words won't bring you down.
Oh, I went in the school restroom and almost dropped my agenda in the toilet. Yep, it's one of those days....