January 31, 2013

Circumstance

Enter heartfelt blog that will try to abstain from self-pity.

Some of you who know me or who have been following me know that my youth group is new. We've usually just been a group of kids who go to the same church. In the past month, though, we've started to do skits and plan things and we're all really excited.

I had a great service at church last night. I really felt God and I was so excited to get to be able to go to another church's youth rally tonight. I just really wanted to be able to worship God somewhere else that was new with people I go to school with and really feel like I'm part of a church community and not just a church.

But then it was supposed to snow, and my mom didn't want me driving in the forecasted snow, and it was supposed to be a blizzard like no one had ever seen before. And I was freaking disappointed, because I had looked forward to this for like two weeks and I really really needed it. I mean, I looked nice and everything. And then of course Mom drives me to church (it's not snowing) and tells my friend that we should wait because stuff is going to go crazy. So she decides too, that we should wait, and I know that she was disappointed, because she was just as excited as I was.

So I go back home, avoid the mockings of my father, and sit in my room. Seven o'clock comes- the youth rally is starting across town and I am sitting in my room alone trying to feel better listening to music. And it's okay because I'm helping one friend, chatting with a couple more. But then a couple of hours go by and not one freaking snowflake has fallen on the ground and I could have been there but I'm not there and I don't know if I messed up or not and it really hurts when things don't work out the way that they're supposed to. My pastor said and I already knew that the devil would be on our backs today, and I sure feel like he's been jumping on mine. I don't know what I should have done or if I did what I'm supposed to do or what but it's probably over by now and the roads are safe and I should have been there. We all should have been there. But we didn't go, and I feel like I've failed and that we've failed and that this is never going to work out.

I just need a freaking hug because I'm hurting, and I guess that's too much to ask for.

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