April 24, 2013

A Particularly Shameful Subject (I Can't Believe I Have to Discuss This)

I feel led to write about myself tonight. I usually don't, because then I am forced to mentally separate my identity, my situation, and my feelings. The song that goes "Even if the healing doesn't come and life falls apart, my world becomes undone, you are God, you are good, forever faithful one- even if the healing doesn't come," is on my heart.

Tonight my cousin was talking about girls discussing being on birth control when they're not in committed relationships on Facebook, calling these girls whores.
I am not a whore. I am not in a committed relationship... I am a virgin and a Christian, and I am on birth control.

You see, I have this syndrome that is usually referred to as PCOS. The acronym stands for a sometimes inaccurate name based upon one symptom- polycystic ovaries. Not all people with PCOS have all symptoms. In fact, some only have one or two. Not many people know about the syndrome itself. It's not a disease though. You can't treat the PCOS itself, just your symptoms. Nobody's really sure why it starts. They think it might be genetic, but no promises. My issue is hormonal, so for me, my treatment includes things that help my body better process, produce, or carry out procedures or things that it can't on its own. So basically I take birth control, and a medication that makes me more insulin sensitive, and one that tells my acne to chill out (and also turns my arm and leg hair white.)

But what bothered me most was that I would be automatically lumped in with my overly sexually active peers were I to publicly proclaim that I'm on birth control.

When my doctor first prescribed it, my mom's first reaction was to worry about what the kids at school would say. I laughed- there should be pretty much no doubt about my love life because it doesn't exist. But then I see a comment or hear a comment like my cousin's, and it makes me wonder how far people step outside of their own business.

Let me go ahead and say it- your reputation is important. You shouldn't sleep around. But just because you're on the pill and you don't have a dedicated man in no way means that you're even having sex in the first place. So before you open your mouth or move your typing little fingers again, my conservative or slut-shaming friend, let me remind you that I am not the only one. I know multiple people with PCOS. I know multiple people with other endocrine disorders. I know multiple people who just want to be safe in case something goes wrong.

The pill that I take daily is not a scarlett letter. It should not be taboo. It is a medication used to regulate or fake certain hormones, and a side affect or sometimes purpose of that is pregnancy prevention.
So before you call me a whore or tell me my insurance (no matter where it comes from) shouldn't cover my birth control, perhaps you would rather me to develop some cervical or ovarian cancer. Because for me, those are possibilities. I didn't make myself this way, but I know God has a purpose for it.
Stop throwing the word slut around. I'm tired of hearing it. Stop calling girls whores. I don't want to hear it. And don't you dare tell me my medical treatment makes me something I'm not. Stop acting like you know everything for just a few minutes, okay? Take on another perspective. PCOS is a part of my body. There is no cure. But I should not ever have to justify my medical needs to you or anyone else. The pill does not turn a woman into a whore.

April 23, 2013

Social Faux Pas

Well... As you may have gathered, I have been going through sort of a rough time lately. I've been up and down a lot- usually up in public and down in private.
Yesterday was one of those bad days. I was tired and ready for my first dress rehearsal to be over and a friend and stage manager said something about me and Michael being together.
We're not. We are so not. Aside from him being the ex of a friend, he and I are way too strangely different. He's atheist. Although I don't have an issue with a friendship like that at all, I do have an issue with a relationship like that. God didn't make me just so I could pick anyone I have chemistry with and go for forever with them. While I might date someone on another boat later on in life, it won't be to recruit them. He gets kicked off the list of possible suitors mostly because he's a jerk.
I will link an article I read entitled, "Whom You Marry Matters." I loved it, and I knew it was from God. I have a really clear personal conviction to not date until I am for sure that God is okay with it. I don't want to step out of His will for my life for some boy who's not supposed to be there yet or at all.
But this week I found myself getting clingy to Michael. I don't know what my subconscious is up to, but I don't like it. The only thing I need to cling to is God. (My phone has some pretty great autocorrects. It just changed cling to fong, which is kind of racist because a chickie who I'm pretty sure is Michael's crush is Asian.) Anyway, I know that any satisfaction that I get from being with someone is only temporary unless it's through Christ.
So when I look for assurance and affirrmation with people I know that you aren't going to find anything permanent. People change, opinions change, but the love of God never wavers. In Him I have to find my strength, instead of looking to a boy. Even though it's quite tempting to want to feel wanted, back up and look at what you're doing...note to self.
That being said, my faux pas wasn't really a sinful one- I just rambled about a couple of insecurities to Michael in a message. On Facebook. Yeah, you can laugh. The only thing I should be doing on Facebook while upset is asking for prayer from my church family.
I actually avoided him in the hallway today, which is kind of hilarious. at least he doesn't think I'm perfect?
Life is good, even when you do things that are embarrassing. I desire your prayers.
P.S. I am worried that my ex is going to ask me to his senior prom. "What should I say?" asks a confused Emily to her readership and her Savior. Like I said, prayers!
http://thechristianpundit.org/2012/08/15/it/

April 18, 2013

Deeper

I don't think I've felt this low in a while. I'm really stressed out, or burned out, you pick. I feel like I'm getting really close to the end of my fuse, and I don't even know why.

We had a great service at church last night, and I spent almost all day ready to go and conquer. And then I failed, but made some progress on our lift. And then I failed some more. And then I had to fix someone else's mistakes because they were too lazy to do their job. So I had to do mine twice. And then biology got philosophical. How can a relationship be mutualistic if one thing eats the other? So what if the fungus can grow because of an ant- it gets eaten. How is that beneficial?

Then in rehearsal we all sat in our dance studio and did songs. Ensemble and my friends left. After that, my acquaintances left. And then there was me on the side by myself and others in cliques. I had never felt so alone.

Am I depressed? Am I just tired, or what? Will this go away if I just get more sleep? Or is this a me issue? Am I screwed up? Maybe I'm introverted- maybe that's why I get so tired of people sometimes. It just feels like I'm spread so thin and I can't gather myself back up.

I have a nine hour rehearsal tomorrow with my giant cast. I will be with my friends. I will be with my former friends. I will be with Michael and all my other theater acquaintances. But the question that's on my mind is whether or not I'll feel alone.

Don't get me wrong- I cherish my solidarity. But there comes a point and time where you really just need to take a break from...yourself? I don't even know anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like this. And maybe I put myself here. Maybe I wrecked my friendships with Michael and Michelle; actually, I think I definitely did that. And I was in my shower yesterday, I knew I needed to apologize to Michael. I said so many things about him to keep Michelle safe. She was fragile and even I didn't realize the extent of that feebleness until their breakup. So maybe I was trying to shield her from some pain. But that didn't mean I had to push him down to try to pull her up.

And I didn't even say it to his face. I was never rude to him in person- only stoically polite. It's ridiculous how bad I was to him. And I need to apologize, but I haven't. Maybe that's why I feel this way. I prayed yesterday for God to be with me in how I could make our show better. And he told me to apologize. I haven't yet. I remember when MIchael and I talked and he told me about how he was really struggling and all the things that he was dealing with. I had that with Michelle too. And I threw it away. I threw it away because I wasn't mature enough to deal with the eventual break up. They both meant a lot to me.

And lately these days it feels like I've lost so much. I'm just getting deeper into nothing.

April 9, 2013

Overcoming Awkward

Rehearsals for our musical are really coming down to the line. We're getting things down and I think it's going to be great. Today we got the choreography for the prom scene. If you have seen Dirty Dancing, you have probably seen much of our choreography.

Yes, even the hand trailing down the side of the body. Even the hand. And as a teacher at "Southern Ocean High School," my teacher love interest and I go to prom and get funky with it as all of the students do.

Let's call my love interest (in the play) Michael. Michael and I were good friends for the first part of last year. He and I were very different but texted and got along and were fairly close. Then Michael told me he had an interest in my friend "Michelle." I told him it was his choice obviously, but I didn't think it would work out. I told Michelle the same thing. My other friends and I betted on it lasting about two months.

Well, it lasted a year and about a month. They broke up over spring break. Michael and Michelle are both in the cast for the musical, and Michelle and I remain friends, however during their relationship I basically cut ties with both of them. I knew it wasn't going to end well and didn't want to have to play fixer of either of them after it was over (because I used to really like fixing people then God basically but not literally smacked me and told me to stop because I was only hurting myself.)

Much to my surprise, after little to no contact with either of them over the summer. Michael was cast as my counterpart teacher in our musical. Michelle was cast as a student. I didn't really feel good about this whole Michael thing- it was going to be really awkward at first and I was going to have to learn to like him, or at least pretend like it. This was much easier because we had been friends before, but awkward for us because thoughts of Michelle distracted both of us and kind of prevented us from acting our best. It was like a giant elephant in the room- an elephant we had to confront or move because we had to act like a couple first in order to break up.

I learned that when someone has to flirt with you on stage and later caress you and then sexydance (PG-13) with you, you first gain a mutual respect for one another and eventually start to fix or start a friendship. Over the course of growing as a person (and as an actor) and having my comfort zone smashed into the ground, I am trusting Michael not to do anything inappropriate and let his hands wander while dancing, and even am trusting him to pick me up and swing me around a little bit. I had to get over the fact that I don't like touching people or especially trusting them with myself.

I look back to yesterday especially with a laugh. We were practicing our scary swing pick up dance move- and to me it was scary. I like having my feet on a solid surface, and have never been too keen on someone picking me up. My friend Renee didn't have a partner yesterday, and she watched my face as Michael picked me up (while I had to jump) for the first time. I talked to her today, and she said the look on my face was a mixture of horror and depression. I was so scared of letting someone else keep me safe physically and so scared of trusting someone not to hurt me. But I did it. I jumped into Michael's arms despite the awkward (several times, I might add) and eventually I was okay with it. And today we did the dirty dancing dance and there wasn't even an inch between us (my dad will have a heart attack.)

I learned, especially this past week, that people can change. Michael has really grown as a person, I think, since that excited teenage boy from last year has prepared to go into the Air Force and has done what's best and gotten out of a half-hearted relationship. When I first heard they'd broken up, I thought I told you so. But I will never say that to Michelle. I value her as a person too much. I do not need to rub salt in her wound. I also do not need to put down or minimize the friendship that has grown between Michael and myself. I don't need to be dishonest. I don't need to cover anything up. I feel okay laughing when he gives me a strange look and being my normal self-critical self around him. He tells me I'm doing fine and tries to help fix what isn't perfect.

And at the end of the day I am thankful. I am thankful for both of the friendships that I have regained. I am thankful for the push by my director out of my comfort zone. I am thankful that I challenged myself. And most of all, I am so thankful that through God and his grace I have grown as a person and have overcome all of the awkward.

April 5, 2013

Visions and Avoidance and Figuring Out Which Way to Go

My first kiss asked me for my number the other day. Let me look up his fake name for you.....Carl! I called him Carl. I'm not exactly sure why.... but anyway. As you may remember, earlier, I resolved that I remain acquaintances with Carl. Well, the day before yesterday, Carl asked me for my cell phone number.

Reader, I feel I must be honest with you and tell you that I gave Carl my number. He told me to text him first...and I did. But he gave me the wrong number (it wasn't someone else's, he just typed it wrong) so I told him to stop being lazy. And in that moment, sitting on my bed, I saw a plan. I saw a plan that was made to draw me away and distract me- a plot that would take me away from God and toward sin by feeling alone and being tempted by a boy who could make me not feel alone anymore. God let me see exactly where Satan wanted to take me. So I reaffirmed my resolution to not be involved with him. I resolved to myself and God, and prayed for strength and guidance, because in that moment when I saw that plan I was horrified. I knew exactly what choices would lead me down that path, and I am going to try my hardest with God's help not to make the wrong decisions.

He texted me, reader, and I replied. I felt tempted to flirt, and quickly my conscience poured cool water over that flame. So he asked me what was up, and I said writing down songs for church. He asked me how I was, and I said good, just trying to figure out where God wants me to go. He asked me what I'd been doing over spring break, and I said going to church, cleaning, and playing the tambourine. I think you get my drift.

I am avoiding that road. I will not be completely rude to Carl. I will not flirt, however. I will not lead Carl on, and if he tries to encourage movement down that road, I will quickly remind him, with the Lord's help, that that particular path is one that I need to stay off of.

Speaking of paths, this holiness church I've been going to has really...gotten to me, I suppose you would say? I went to church at my church on Wednesday...and it was so sad. We took up prayer requests, sang congregational songs and I sang a special, and then the pastor kind of sort of preached talked for an hour. I can honestly say it was a wake-up call for me. Compared to Tuesday's in-touch-with-God going for the spirit service and message that visibly affected Ally's sister...mine seemed so ineffective. And I questioned why...was it me? I was in both places, that didn't make sense. Was it the person who preached? Was it my church's adherence to tradition in spite of the will of God? Was it the congregation?

And all these questions have left me somewhere in the middle. On one hand there is a powerful church that knows how to get a hold of God that asked me to sing not only once, but kept handing me opportunities to serve God. On the other hand, I see my church that has grown and then shrunk and then shrunk some more and is dwindling away and it seems like no one cares any more. It feels like everyone has given up. And it's not that I want to give up on my church- it's that I want my church to be as effective and as helpful as the other was to me.

But I don't know how to get there. I don't know if I'm done there. Wednesday it kind of felt like it, but Tuesday, I said in my heart, "I'm not at home." If God even told me to leave, would I be comfortable leaving a denomination I've been in my whole life for another doctrine that I'm not certain of the facets of? Would I be willing to leave my youth group that seemed to be going so strongly? Is it wrong of me to try to find my food somewhere else if I'm spiritually starving?

I need direction. I'm begging for direction...and your prayers.

April 2, 2013

Updates

Hi blogging friends.

I'm going to be honest with you- February NaBloPoMo just isn't going to get done. Now, if you comment and raise a great fuss about a particular issue, I will, of course, address it, but I'm just being realistic here.

Let's start with March- My prom date (as in the date of the prom, not as in a person) is now set to mid-May instead of the middle of April which leaves me time to find a dress that I like. The dates for my musical were officially set at the end of April (this month- eek!)

I didn't get to go to state governor's cup in writing, probably because the prompt was about the legalization of hemp and my response was "Pff, YES!" I did, however, get to go to my Mock Trial Competition where I had bunches of fun and got to know new people!

My grade in college precal is an 89. That's the first B I ever got on a report card. My friend told me today, "You're not bad at math. It's just that you don't want to be good at math." I guess that means I'm going to have to do really really really well on this logarithms and exponential functions unit- an A must be accomplished. I would have dropped this already if it wasn't five credit hours, and that is less math I will have to take in college. This same aforementioned friend advised me that AP Statistics was probability and that there is a great probability that I will do just fine.

This Spring Break week I realized two very important things that have to do with my musical- 1) I have lost the sheet music to both of my songs, and 2) I have also lost the CD with the backing tracks for the entire musical. I have to be off book by Monday- this will be fun. I also started a ridiculous cleaning of my room this week that has thus far been successful. All my misplaced clothing is being restored and all my undesired clothing is going to be donated! Fun fun.

This past week, I was invited to go to my friend "Ally's" church for a special deliverance service of testimony.  It was good- I really enjoyed meeting new people and hearing people talk about how good God has been to them. I also went to her church tonight (and sang) and played the tambourine! That was super cool (or maybe I'm just a giant dork.) I had never played one before, and I found that it's not all that hard, especially when Ally's sister said, and I quote, "It's like clapping." It was monumental advice to me, because I'd never picked one up before... and then I figured out it's not that scary, but they are loud, so my advice to myself was not to mess up. There were also drumsticks that Ally played (and beat her fingers with.) I really liked going to church there, but it was not my home. Maybe soon my church will be as powerful as theirs? Either way, I am definitely going to make it a habit to visit, which should be easy because their church is on different nights than mine is.

Let me finish by saying that God has been good to me- better than I deserve and could ever even start to wrap my head around. He has blessed me with so many things, and such good friends, and even such great environments so that I can keep my mind on him. I thank Him for all that He's done for me and all that He's going to do. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go on my journey to become a successful student turned teacher and as I try to walk closer to Christ.!