April 18, 2013

Deeper

I don't think I've felt this low in a while. I'm really stressed out, or burned out, you pick. I feel like I'm getting really close to the end of my fuse, and I don't even know why.

We had a great service at church last night, and I spent almost all day ready to go and conquer. And then I failed, but made some progress on our lift. And then I failed some more. And then I had to fix someone else's mistakes because they were too lazy to do their job. So I had to do mine twice. And then biology got philosophical. How can a relationship be mutualistic if one thing eats the other? So what if the fungus can grow because of an ant- it gets eaten. How is that beneficial?

Then in rehearsal we all sat in our dance studio and did songs. Ensemble and my friends left. After that, my acquaintances left. And then there was me on the side by myself and others in cliques. I had never felt so alone.

Am I depressed? Am I just tired, or what? Will this go away if I just get more sleep? Or is this a me issue? Am I screwed up? Maybe I'm introverted- maybe that's why I get so tired of people sometimes. It just feels like I'm spread so thin and I can't gather myself back up.

I have a nine hour rehearsal tomorrow with my giant cast. I will be with my friends. I will be with my former friends. I will be with Michael and all my other theater acquaintances. But the question that's on my mind is whether or not I'll feel alone.

Don't get me wrong- I cherish my solidarity. But there comes a point and time where you really just need to take a break from...yourself? I don't even know anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like this. And maybe I put myself here. Maybe I wrecked my friendships with Michael and Michelle; actually, I think I definitely did that. And I was in my shower yesterday, I knew I needed to apologize to Michael. I said so many things about him to keep Michelle safe. She was fragile and even I didn't realize the extent of that feebleness until their breakup. So maybe I was trying to shield her from some pain. But that didn't mean I had to push him down to try to pull her up.

And I didn't even say it to his face. I was never rude to him in person- only stoically polite. It's ridiculous how bad I was to him. And I need to apologize, but I haven't. Maybe that's why I feel this way. I prayed yesterday for God to be with me in how I could make our show better. And he told me to apologize. I haven't yet. I remember when MIchael and I talked and he told me about how he was really struggling and all the things that he was dealing with. I had that with Michelle too. And I threw it away. I threw it away because I wasn't mature enough to deal with the eventual break up. They both meant a lot to me.

And lately these days it feels like I've lost so much. I'm just getting deeper into nothing.

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