April 5, 2013

Visions and Avoidance and Figuring Out Which Way to Go

My first kiss asked me for my number the other day. Let me look up his fake name for you.....Carl! I called him Carl. I'm not exactly sure why.... but anyway. As you may remember, earlier, I resolved that I remain acquaintances with Carl. Well, the day before yesterday, Carl asked me for my cell phone number.

Reader, I feel I must be honest with you and tell you that I gave Carl my number. He told me to text him first...and I did. But he gave me the wrong number (it wasn't someone else's, he just typed it wrong) so I told him to stop being lazy. And in that moment, sitting on my bed, I saw a plan. I saw a plan that was made to draw me away and distract me- a plot that would take me away from God and toward sin by feeling alone and being tempted by a boy who could make me not feel alone anymore. God let me see exactly where Satan wanted to take me. So I reaffirmed my resolution to not be involved with him. I resolved to myself and God, and prayed for strength and guidance, because in that moment when I saw that plan I was horrified. I knew exactly what choices would lead me down that path, and I am going to try my hardest with God's help not to make the wrong decisions.

He texted me, reader, and I replied. I felt tempted to flirt, and quickly my conscience poured cool water over that flame. So he asked me what was up, and I said writing down songs for church. He asked me how I was, and I said good, just trying to figure out where God wants me to go. He asked me what I'd been doing over spring break, and I said going to church, cleaning, and playing the tambourine. I think you get my drift.

I am avoiding that road. I will not be completely rude to Carl. I will not flirt, however. I will not lead Carl on, and if he tries to encourage movement down that road, I will quickly remind him, with the Lord's help, that that particular path is one that I need to stay off of.

Speaking of paths, this holiness church I've been going to has really...gotten to me, I suppose you would say? I went to church at my church on Wednesday...and it was so sad. We took up prayer requests, sang congregational songs and I sang a special, and then the pastor kind of sort of preached talked for an hour. I can honestly say it was a wake-up call for me. Compared to Tuesday's in-touch-with-God going for the spirit service and message that visibly affected Ally's sister...mine seemed so ineffective. And I questioned why...was it me? I was in both places, that didn't make sense. Was it the person who preached? Was it my church's adherence to tradition in spite of the will of God? Was it the congregation?

And all these questions have left me somewhere in the middle. On one hand there is a powerful church that knows how to get a hold of God that asked me to sing not only once, but kept handing me opportunities to serve God. On the other hand, I see my church that has grown and then shrunk and then shrunk some more and is dwindling away and it seems like no one cares any more. It feels like everyone has given up. And it's not that I want to give up on my church- it's that I want my church to be as effective and as helpful as the other was to me.

But I don't know how to get there. I don't know if I'm done there. Wednesday it kind of felt like it, but Tuesday, I said in my heart, "I'm not at home." If God even told me to leave, would I be comfortable leaving a denomination I've been in my whole life for another doctrine that I'm not certain of the facets of? Would I be willing to leave my youth group that seemed to be going so strongly? Is it wrong of me to try to find my food somewhere else if I'm spiritually starving?

I need direction. I'm begging for direction...and your prayers.

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